IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours everydays on their smartphones.Why is this the case?Is this a positive or negative development?

In
this
Linking Words
 fast-paced
world
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,
smartphones
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 have become a common tool that even toddlers are allowed to
use
Use synonyms
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for entertainment, making it one of the
cannot-live-without
Use the right word
can-not-live-without
show examples
 devices. It is an everyday complaint of parents that
children
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 spend hours on
smartphones
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 for
entire
Correct article usage
the entire
show examples
 day
while
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 using
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 for entertainment or studies.
This
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 trend is observed
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both in
Correct word order
in both
show examples
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 and negative developments
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will be described below. Most common reasons for heavy
use
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 of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 are
due to
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 the options for personal entertainment
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as video games, watching movies, social apps to chat with friends, more than the educational perspective.
While
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 doing so,
children
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 are forced to stay
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 one place for a long time
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 develops boredom to go out and
expereince
Correct your spelling
experience
 the real
world
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. One of the
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
view point
Use the right word
viewpoints
show examples
 of
children
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 using
smartphones
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 is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they are being exposed to the dynamic trends of the
world
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 to
use
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 technology as
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 everyday tool through
smartphones
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.
Due to
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 the fact that technology is being introduced into school
curriculam
Correct your spelling
curriculum
,
children
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 have been allowed to
use
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smartphones
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 for their studies
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as online classes and online assessments. Through
smartphones
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, they can access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
websites and
gatther
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gather
 information quickly
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 their researching skills would be
ehanced
Correct your spelling
enhanced
while
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 seeking
for
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apply
show examples
answers and different alternatives.
On the other hand
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, prolonged
use
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 of mobile phones could impact the physical, mental health of
children
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 and the social well-being in
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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 manner.
While
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 maintaining virtual relationships through social media, the
chidren
Correct your spelling
children
 may not feel the importance of
real
Correct article usage
a real
show examples
 bond between parents and elders
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is
crutial
Correct your spelling
crucial
 for personal development.
In addition
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, the
children
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 may tend to view the
world
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 in a more perfect way, similar to
that
Correct word choice
how
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 the virtual platforms could idealise.
Also
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, limitations of physical activities will ruin the physical health
paving
Punctuation problem
, paving
show examples
Correct article usage
the ways
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ways
Fix the agreement mistake
way
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 to
obeysity
Correct your spelling
obesity
 and lack of stamina among
children
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. Eventually,
this
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 trend could be a reason for
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
of
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in
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 mental disorders
due to
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 loneliness and depression among
children
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due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of social
inter-connections
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interconnections
show examples
.
Although
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 there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
development
Fix the agreement mistake
developments
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the trend of smartphone usage among
children
Use synonyms
, the negative developments outweigh those. But
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 when
smartphones
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 are used in a regulated and more controlled manner,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can be a useful tool to explore the
world
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 maintaining the personal well-being of an individual.

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structure
Plan your essay with a clear intro, two body parts for the view points, and a short, strong conclusion. Use simple link words to show order.
grammar
Use plain, short sentences. Check your spelling and fix big grammar errors. Avoid long, hard sentences.
content
Give one or two real, clear examples to back up points. Do not go too far from the main idea.
content
The essay shows both sides of the topic and ends with a view.
structure
There is a plan in place and a final line that states the view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • phone
  • screen
  • game
  • app
  • video
  • chat
  • friend
  • talk
  • study
  • learn
  • sleep
  • health
  • eye
  • time
  • limit
  • habit
  • parent
  • teacher
  • school
  • safe
  • risk
  • information
  • idea
  • balance
  • rule
  • plan
  • control
  • digital
  • online
What to do next:
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