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Band 6

some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. why is this the case? do you think this is a posotive or a negative development?

In today's world, there is no denying the fact that
children
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 are spending the majority of their time on smartphones. There are many reasons for
this
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 phenomenon and positive aspects of
child
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 development.
This
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 essay will discuss the causes and the advantages of
this
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 phenomenon.
To begin
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 with, there are many causes for
this
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 excessive usage.
Firstly
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, kids are using their phones for enjoyment and excitement.
In other words
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, these
devices
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 have stores and platforms that can offer games and puzzles, helping a
child
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 in fun and mental ways.
Moreover
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, in the recent world, smartphones are accessible and touchable. To illustrate
this
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 point, the users of these
devices
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 are on the rise. In terms of positive impacts, these
devices
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 may lead to an intelligent kid. It is
also
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 possible to say that,
due to
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 phones, today's
children
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 are more creative than
children
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 of the previous generation. The causes for
this
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 good impact are the mental programs and the educational platforms, which invest a
child
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's leisure time in a useful manner.
For example
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, a study conducted in Germany revealed that the new generation has the ability to learn and focus more on screens rather than traditional learning. In conclusion, there are many reasons behind the excessive usage of smartphones. It is
also
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 true that
this
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 usage has various advantages on a
child
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, bringing creativity to
children
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 and increasing their academic knowledge. In my opinion, I firmly agree that phones are the most useful invention nowadays, and parents should encourage their
children
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 to use these smart
devices
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 with their supervision.

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weakness
Add a clear balance by mentioning both good and bad sides of phone use.
weakness
Use more links to show how one point leads to the next.
weakness
Make the intro shorter and state the main idea in one clear sentence.
tip
Keep words simple and short; avoid long, hard words.
strength
The reader shows a clear view and keeps it in the essay.
strength
There is a clear topic and a closing idea.
strength
A real example from another country is used to support a point.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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