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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative trend?

Nowadays, more and more
children
Use synonyms
 spend their day on their tablets.
This
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 is
due to
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 the development in technology. I firmly believe that
this
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 trend has many negative effects on
children
Use synonyms
's lives, and in
this
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 essay, I will explain why.
To begin
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 with, the use of smartphones
grew
Wrong verb form
has grown
show examples
 over the past decade, especially among
children
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because they are easy to use and entertain
children
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 with the apps inside.
For example
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, when they are bored, they just sit on the tablet and enjoy their
time
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,
while
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time
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 passes by playing games.
As a result
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, the happiness hormone is released and becomes a habit that they will like.
On the other hand
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, there are many consequences for
this
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 trend. Overusing smartphones is not the most effective thing for a child to do,
due to
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 the fact that they are in a crucial period of growth, when they need to focus more on their studies
instead
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 of wasting their
time
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 on useless things.
In addition
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, when using a tablet for a long period of
time
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 during the day, it becomes a habit by releasing the happiness hormone.
Therefore
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, when the device is used again, it is released again, resulting in habituation, which is not beneficial for a child to get dragged into at that early age. In conclusion, the development of technology created a device
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 which became a crucial thing in a child's life, by keeping them entertained during the day.
Although
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 I believe the effects it came with are more important to consider, it takes
their
Change preposition
up their
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 for no good, leading them to fail in more crucial life matters.

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task response
Task response: Be sure to answer both parts of the question. Start with a clear yes or no about the trend, then explain why. Give one or two strong ideas and back them with simple examples.
coherence
Coherence and cohesion: Use more linking words to show how ideas join. Keep each paragraph about one idea and end it with a short sentence that links to the next paragraph.
task response
The writer takes a clear position that the trend is negative.
coherence
There is a simple structure with an intro, body paragraphs and a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital devices
  • smartphone addiction
  • online interactions
  • developmental impact
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • academic performance
  • parental supervision
  • proliferation of apps
  • engaging content
  • excessive use
  • sedentary lifestyle
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