IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some
kids
Use synonyms
 spend hours looking at their smartphones on a daily basis. The cause of
this
Linking Words
 development can be traced back to how the creators of these devices engineer them to be more intriguing so that they may sell more. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is a negative phenomenon that keeps
children
Use synonyms
 from outdoor activities. In our modern era, countless companies,
such
Linking Words
 as smartphone companies, look to increase their sales and make a profit.
As a result
Linking Words
, they work towards designing new entertaining features and absorbing applications. Let’s keep in mind that
children
Use synonyms
 are most susceptible to these tactics. And since most companies are competitive, the advancement of said features is faster than what a normal person can keep up with.
Consequently
Linking Words
, people, especially
children
Use synonyms
, will spend more
time
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 on their phones just to keep themselves up to date.
For example
Linking Words
, at family gatherings,
kids
Use synonyms
 prefer spending
time
Use synonyms
 on their handy pocket-sized gadgets to talking to each other. These developments are definitely obstructive, because they get in the way of
children
Use synonyms
 who need to go outside and explore the world around them. The harm these gadgets bring to
kids
Use synonyms
 isn’t instantaneous, so the need to take action regarding
this
Linking Words
 problem is often dismissed. But as
time
Use synonyms
 passes, we see that
kids
Use synonyms
 who spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 indoors and on their phones become gloomy, are easily provoked, and even start having health-related issues
such
Linking Words
 as degrading eyesight or a lack of vitamins. All in all, the appeal and
time
Use synonyms
 consumption of mobile phones is intended by the factories that make them, and our
children
Use synonyms
 are vulnerable to
this
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. We need to encourage them to put down their mobiles and take part in other activities as well.

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planning
Make a clear plan before you write. Start with a short plan in the intro that states your view and the main reason.
development
Add one point that can balance the view, even if you take a clear side. This shows you can see both sides and stay strong in your view.
development
Use more real life examples, not only 'family gatherings'. Try to show impact on health, mood, and learning.
coherence
Check link words. Use pronouns and connectors to join ideas well.
strength
Clear stance that the issue is negative
structure
Good structure with introduction, body, and conclusion
coherence
Some good linking words such as Consequently, For example

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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