IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Scientists say that junk food is harmful to people’s health. Some say the way to ask people to eat less fast food is to educate them, while others say education does not work. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

Researchers believe that junk food is detrimental to
people
Use synonyms
's health.Many believe that the way to ask
people
Use synonyms
 to consume less fast food is to teach them,
while
Linking Words
 others say
education
Use synonyms
 does not work.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both
side
Fix the agreement mistake
sides
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 an opinion will be given in the subsequent paragraph. On the one hand,
education
Use synonyms
 is one of the main ways to prevent
people
Use synonyms
 from eating too much fast
Use synonyms
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is because,majority of the youth have no idea about the negative effects of these meals.
As a result
Linking Words
,they consume them in large
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 leads to many health complications in the future.
However
Linking Words
,when they are taught both in schools and at home about how bad these meals can be,it will help prevent them from depending too much on
such
Linking Words
foods
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,educating teenagers in schools about health complications associated with eating too much fast
Use synonyms
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 will help them understand the diseases and risks associated with
junks
Fix the agreement mistake
junk
show examples
.
Check wording
food.
show examples
Some of these diseases are obesity and high blood pressure.
Acquring
Correct your spelling
Acquiring
 knowledge about these can help make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society deter from these products.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,others think that
education
Use synonyms
 does not help in any way.
This
Linking Words
 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they believe
people
Use synonyms
 learn from mistakes.As a matter of fact,no amount of
education
Use synonyms
 can stop
people
Use synonyms
 from making
choices
Check wording
food choices
show examples
 of
foods
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,teenagers prefer to consume any meal of their choice if they can afford
.
Correct pronoun usage
it.
show examples
Even though they are educated in schools,they never learn.
However
Linking Words
,when they
diseases
Verb problem
are
show examples
 associated with fast meals,they learn from their actions.Research revealed that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
about 80% stop consuming these drinks and
foods
Use synonyms
 after contracting sickness.
This
Linking Words
 clearly shows that
education
Use synonyms
 does not prevent
Use synonyms
people's
Check wording
people
show examples
 choices of food
.
Check wording
choices.
show examples
 In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 essay agrees with the statement that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 alone does not stop
people
Use synonyms
 from choosing fast
foods
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
people
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 learn from situations.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content
Improve your overall argument by giving a clear, concise thesis that states your position and the two sides from the start.
coherence
Link ideas with clearer transitions and paragraph structure. Each paragraph should have one main idea.
grammar
Use simple, correct grammar and check spelling. Short sentences can help you say your meaning clearly.
content
Develop examples with more detail or data, and avoid vague claims. Include at least one specific example for each side.
content
The essay tries to talk about both sides, and this is good for this task.
coherence
There are some easy link words like On the one hand and On the other hand.
structure
The last part repeats the view, which shows you try to meet task goals.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: