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Writing Samples
Band 4

Moden children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevelent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?

Nowadays, children are suffering from
diseases
Use synonyms
 that were supposed to be caught by adults only. Obesity is one of
such
Linking Words
diseases
Use synonyms
 that
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 common among
kids
Use synonyms
 today. The
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
Ffor
Use the right word
For
show examples
such
Linking Words
 problems are parental issues
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and improper packaging of store products.
This
Linking Words
 can be overcome by educating the
parents
Use synonyms
 and providing more healthy
food
Use synonyms
 options. The main problem, why
this
Linking Words
 is
happening
Punctuation problem
happening,
show examples
 is not proper parenting of the
kids
Use synonyms
. In today's day and
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
 there is an increasing trend that both
parents
Use synonyms
 will work to
fullfill
Correct your spelling
fulfil
 their necessities.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 approach does help them meet their needs, they are unable to give
suffiecent
Correct your spelling
sufficient
 time to their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
ready made
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ready-made
show examples
 lunches and junk
food
Use synonyms
 are provided to them. In Pakistan, a survey was taken of 200
parents
Use synonyms
 asking if they cooked home-made meals for their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
; with the majority saying no.
This
Linking Words
 issue can be countered by educating the
parents
Use synonyms
 about the risks of providing junk
food
Use synonyms
 as
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 source of
food
Use synonyms
 for their
kids
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 will make the
parents
Use synonyms
 less willing to provide their
kids
Use synonyms
 with
such
Linking Words
 foods.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a nanny or
babaysitter
Correct your spelling
babysitter
 can
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
 be hired
;
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that are able to cook healthy foods. Another
reson
Correct your spelling
reason
 why
this
Linking Words
 issue is
prevelant
Correct your spelling
prevalent
 is the packaging of store products. Usually, these
commodoties
Correct your spelling
commodities
 have
micro
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microplastics
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plastic
Use synonyms
 in them. These
micro-
Use the right word
microplastics
show examples
plastic
Use synonyms
 can cause problems like cancer,
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
 in
testotrome
Correct your spelling
testosterone
 for males.
Moreoever
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, the calorie details of
such
Linking Words
 goods are mostly false
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
; they are underexaggerated to increase customers and sales. Recently, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 a
world wide
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worldwide
show examples
 issue of
childres
Correct your spelling
children
 facing
death inducing
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death-inducing
show examples
diseases
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 like cancer
becuases
Correct your spelling
because
 of the
micro
Use the right word
microplastics
show examples
plastic
Use synonyms
 they consume. To counter
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
this,
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 the manufacturing company should provide the proper nutrient details of their
commodoties
Correct your spelling
commodities
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, laws should be passed to avoid
food
Use synonyms
 being wrapped in
plastic
Use synonyms
, but
instead
Linking Words
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 another material. In conclusion, the increasing cases of children contracting
diseases
Use synonyms
 meant for adults are caused
due to
Linking Words
plastic
Use synonyms
 wrappings used in foods, the selfishness of private companies and improper parenting.
However
Linking Words
, these problems can be tackled by
bassing
Use the right word
basing
show examples
 regulations to find
alternatiev
Correct your spelling
alternatives
 to
plastic
Use synonyms
 wrappings and hiring a nanny or babysitter to take proper care of the children

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structure
Make a plan at the start. Say the problem, then the causes, then the fix.
coherence
Use small links to connect ideas. Words like first, next, also help the flow.
content
Check facts. Do not use big and new claims unless you can back them up.
content
Add more real life examples, like how families eat at home or what schools can do.
language
Fix spell and use easy words so the reader can read well.
task achievement
The essay is on the topic and gives both causes and fix.
coherence
It ends with a short conclusion.
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