IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children today are overweight and unhealthy. Give reasons to explain this and give solutions.

The world is a different place today , especially when it comes to the
health
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
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.
Obesity
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 among
children
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 is an issue in multiple communities.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons for
this
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 problem and the solutions to solve it. One of the main reasons behind
children
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's
obesity
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 is the high consumption of fast
food
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 in recent years.
Such
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 kind of
food
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 is full of high calories and saturated fats, which in turn increases the chances of gaining weight.
Also
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, fast
food
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 is a reason behind many diseases affecting
children
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's
health
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 ,
such
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 as fatty liver disease. Another reason can be the high consumption of sugar among
children
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. Soft drinks can be an ideal example of the unhealthy drinks with a high amount of sugar
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 exceeds the need for sugar. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
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, many
children
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 around the world are suffering from diabetes nowadays.
In addition
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, the lack of physical
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
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 among
children
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 is a reason for being overweight and unhealthy. Most of the
children
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 are playing video games
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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instead
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 of participating in games requiring physical activity.
Also
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, the dependence on cars and public transportation to reach schools rather than walking to them is another example of the lack of movement.
However
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, there are several excellent solutions available to solve
this
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 issue. First, increase restrictions on fast
food
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 restaurants.
For example
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, they should be monitored regarding the ingredients of their
food
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.
Also
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, they should move to a healthier menu.
Second,
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encourage
children
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 to be more active and engage in sports.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should establish sports centres , particularly focused on
children
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. These projects allow
children
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 to be physically active after school.
Finally
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,
cncreasing
Correct your spelling
increasing
 awareness of
obesity
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 in the community is definitely an effective way to solve it. Everyone should be knowledgeable about
obesity
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 and its dangers. Schools should offer courses on
health
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 and wellness. In conclusion, it is obvious that there are several reasons for the child's overweight problem.
On the other hand
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, there are several solutions to overcome
this
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 global
health
Use synonyms
 issue.

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task response
Plan more before you write. State the problem and a clear aim, then give several ideas for why it happens and several ideas to fix it. End with a short wrap up that restates the view.
coherence
Use one topic sentence for each paragraph. Start with a clear idea, then add a few examples. Use connecting words like First, Also, Then, Finally to help the flow.
grammar
Fix grammar and spelling errors. Watch small mistakes like So that, cncreasing, child/children, and wrong word forms. Check agreement and verb forms.
lexical resource
Use simple, common words. Avoid long or hard phrases. If you need a hard word, explain it with easy words.
structure
Make sure each paragraph has one main idea and that the paragraphs stay in a logical order. End with a conclusion that restates the main point.
content
The essay shows a real plan to discuss causes and fixes.
structure
There are useful links and phrases to show order (First, Second, Finally).
content
The text gives real examples like sugar use and diabetes.
style
The writer tries to end with a conclusion that sums up.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • behave
  • better
  • punished
  • rewarded
  • believe
  • effective
  • arguing
  • immediately
  • unwanted
  • fear
  • pain
  • good
  • actions
  • praise
  • treated
  • learn
  • positive
  • feedback
  • happy
  • feel
  • repeat
  • future
  • create
  • problems
  • rather
  • learn
  • wrong
  • caught
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