IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

It is observed that these days, young people have been spending an excessive amount of time on
smartphones
Use synonyms
. In today's digital era, it has become extremely common among
children
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
smartphones
Use synonyms
 offer benefits, I strongly believe that the overuse of digital gadgets has a negative impact on
children
Use synonyms
's mental and physical health. To commence with, the first and foremost reason is that social media is a source of entertainment.
Children
Use synonyms
 spend many hours on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 using social apps
such
Linking Words
 as Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp, which provide them a platform to connect with their peers and share their daily experiences, and
this
Linking Words
 gives them a sense of belonging and connectedness.
Although
Linking Words
 it takes them away from their studies, it affects their concentration and curiosity about education, which might be lost.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the use of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 can lead to loss of vision. Spending much time on screen for playing games, watching movies, and chatting can lead to eye strain and disrupted sleep patterns.
In addition
Linking Words
, the use of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 for a long time is causing serious health issues. Obesity is a major problem found in young people, which is happening
due to
Linking Words
 a sedentary lifestyle.
For instance
Linking Words
, in recent years, the availability of digital products has reduced the physical activity of the new generations, which reduces their physical strength and immunity.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, one might face difficulties interacting and communicating with real individuals, which can make them more introverted.
Hence
Linking Words
, extreme dependence on communication gadgets can reduce the development of
children
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, spending more hours on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 by
children
Use synonyms
 not only impacts their studies but
also
Linking Words
 affects their physical and mental development.
Although
Linking Words
 parents must be strict about their
children
Use synonyms
 and keep supervision over them,
while
Linking Words
 using technical devices and forcing them to spend more hours in studies and extracurricular activities, despite being addicted to
such
Linking Words
 devices.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your overall view is clear, but you should give a strong answer to both parts of the task. State clearly if you think it is good or bad and why. Include a short opinion in the introduction and rest in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
In each paragraph, put one main idea and a small detail to back it. Start with a topic sentence that tells the idea. Then add a bit of proof or example. End with a short link to the next idea.
coherence cohesion
Link your ideas with words like First, Also, Then, But, So. Use these to show order and to show contrast. Avoid long, run-on sentences. Use simple, clear sentences.
grammar
Check grammar and word form. Fix mistakes like 'which is happening due to' and 'more hours in studies'. Try shorter, easier sentences.
examples
Try to give more examples and data. For instance, mention how much screen time or how it hurts sleep, with a number or specific thing.
strength
Clear view on the topic and a general idea of bad effects.
strength
Some good examples of apps and the harm to study and health.
strength
Introduction and conclusion show you know the need to answer the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: