IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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Nowadays life expediency is going longer compared to ago in many territories. Certain individuals claim more old
people
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 in a
society
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 make problems for the governor.
However
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, others believe there are
merits
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 as populations get older. I think the disadvantages of having an ageing population outweigh the advantages and I compare the
merits
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 and demerits in the following essay. On the positive side, certain individuals assert that knowledge and experience of our
society
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 will be increased by ageing populations;
Consequently
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, we have elder
people
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 who can assist adolescents in going up the career ladder.
Additionally
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, younger
people
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 can use the experience of older persons.
For example
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, I work in a company that has a massive number of old workers compared to another business competitor.
Subsequently
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, our company growing faster as it has experience of older workers. On the negative side, when a
society
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 gets old, it puts a lot of financial pressure on the government. As elderly need healthcare and payment pension. Followed by strains on social welfare systems.
Additionally
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, old
society
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 decreased workforce and productivity.
Consequently
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, a huge money will be spent by the government on older.
For instance
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, the population of Japan getting old in decade 90
subsequently
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this
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 country has no economic growth yet because of it. So, because of the worse economic conditions that will come with an ageing
society
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, I believe that these demerits outweigh the
merits
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. In conclusion, there are advantages and disadvantages if
people
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 going to live longer than before.
However
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, I believe that the
merits
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 outweigh the demerits.
Submitted by mkhdermani on

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task achievement
Improve your introduction by stating the main points more clearly and succinctly. Ensure that your thesis statement directly reflects your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Work on the structure of your essay by using clearer topic sentences and transitions between paragraphs. This will help to guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition and redundancy. For example, in the conclusion, you stated 'the merits outweigh the demerits' which contradicts the position you took earlier. Ensure that your conclusion aligns with the arguments presented.
task achievement
Be precise with examples. While your example about Japan was relevant, it could be strengthened with more specific data or details about how the ageing population impacted economic growth.
task achievement
You effectively provided specific examples to support your points, such as the example about Japan and your company.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and explores both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population, which shows a balanced approach.
coherence cohesion
Your language and vocabulary are generally varied and appropriate, which adds depth to your arguments.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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