IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, children are constantly engaged with smartphones as a habit, which is caused by modern urban and architectural design.
This
Linking Words
 excessive reliance on digital
entertainment
Use synonyms
 is certainly a harmful movement
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that can lead the next generation to irreparable
health
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problems
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. Modern cities' design pushes youngsters to be engaged with smartphones. Urban environments and residential buildings are designed without enough consideration for
children'
Check wording
children's
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 essential need for physical activities , so
,
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apply
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 there is no appropriate play space for them without annoying their family members or neighbours. To compensate for
this
Linking Words
 lack of popular pursuit, they excessively rely on screens as engaging
entertainment
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 that completely adapts to city life and
apartment-living
Correct article usage
the apartment-living
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 lifestyle. Constant engagement with digital
entertainment
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 leads to irreparable
health
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problems
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
 and importantly, it causes physical
health
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 issues
such
Linking Words
 as eye strain, headaches, poor posture, and sleep disturbances.
Additionally
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, it can lead to mental
health
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problems
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such
Linking Words
 as stress, anxiety, and reduced attention span.
Also
Linking Words
, it has a bad effect on their social and emotional relationships since they may spend less time in face-to-face interactions, leading to weaker social skills.
Finally
Linking Words
, addictive behaviours can be aroused since continuous stimulation can create dependency. As evidence, a study in the United States showed children with regular usage of digital
entertainment
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 are strongly in a higher risk of anxiety, depression, behavioural
problems
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, ADHD, poor sleep, and less physical activity. In conclusion, modern
cities
Check wording
cities'
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 design
shifted
Verb problem
has shifted
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 next generation to relying on smartphones as an engaging
entertainment
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 , and it is a harmful development with an irremediable effect on their well-being status.

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task
State your view in the intro and keep it in the body. Give clear reasons.
structure
Make a simple plan: intro, 2 or 3 body ideas each with a reason and a short example, and a short conclusion.
coherence
Use linking words to join ideas. Avoid long, hard sentences. Use one idea per paragraph.
grammar
Fix grammar errors like children's and 'it is' or 'designs'. Use correct tense and punctuation.
lexis
Use clear and simple words. Do not use rare words. Replace hard words with simple ones.
evidence
Give specific examples. If you mention a study, say what it found and how it backs your point.
content
Include a small personal example if you want, but keep it brief.
stance
Clear view is shown: mobile use is a bad trend.
cohesion
Good use of connectors like Firstly, Additionally, Finally.
content
Topic makes a strong point about health.
organization
Paragraphs show order.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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