IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say it is government's responsibility to transport children to school, while others believe parents should transport their children to school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people argue that transporting
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 is the duty of the
government
Use synonyms
, and others think
parents
Use synonyms
 should be responsible for it.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both perspectives and explain why I firmly believe that for
parents
Use synonyms
 to take their
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 is more appropriate. On the one hand, in many people's views, the
government
Use synonyms
 transporting
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 brings lots of benefits.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 controls the public transportation system, so
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can arrange the way all
children
Use synonyms
 go to
school
Use synonyms
. Because of
this
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 going to
school
Use synonyms
 will be more efficient and convenient.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 don’t need to take their
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 so that they can save their time and money.
For instance
Linking Words
, if the way that
parents
Use synonyms
 go to work and
children
Use synonyms
 go to
school
Use synonyms
 were completely different,
parents
Use synonyms
 would
require
Verb problem
need
show examples
 to spend lots of additional time
to take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 their kids to
school
Use synonyms
. It wastes time and money, which
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 on transportation energy.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some people think there are some reasons that
parents
Use synonyms
 should transport their
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
parents
Use synonyms
 understand their
children
Use synonyms
’s needs and habits
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they can arrange for them to go to
Use synonyms
school
Correct article usage
a school
show examples
 more suited to their situation,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
which
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can improve
children
Use synonyms
’s educational effectiveness.
Besides
Linking Words
, letting the
government
Use synonyms
 take responsibility
to transport
Change preposition
for transporting
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 will take too much money. It spends too much
citizen’s
Check wording
citizens’
show examples
 tax to establish
this
Linking Words
 system, and it could cause citizens’ dissatisfaction.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I completely agree
transporting
Correct word choice
that transporting
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 is a parent's duty. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 the
government
Use synonyms
 responsible for transporting
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 is efficient and convenient, it seems to me that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take their kids to
school
Use synonyms
. It is a
suited
Correct word choice
suitable
show examples
 and acceptable way in
this
Linking Words
 issue.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task development
Add more simple proof for each point, such as brief daily scenes or clear facts, to back up your view.
Coherence
Link ideas with simple joining words and make the flow from one idea to the next a bit smoother.
Content
The view is clear and the writer states a position.
Structure
The essay uses a clear two-part plan (two sides) and a final answer.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: