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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

ome children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

These days, we can observe a lot of advances in
technology
Use synonyms
. One of the essential things that has been invented recently is the smartphone. It can be seen that some
children
Use synonyms
 tend to use these gadgets a lot during their days. There are several reasons for that, and what I believe is that it can be very harmful for them. I am going to elaborate on
this
Linking Words
 in the following. On the one hand,
children
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 prefer to use smartphones every day because they help them to meet most of their needs. Smartphone
technology
Use synonyms
 has provided an online world.
Therefore
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, all the people, especially
children
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, try to be connected with that to stay updated. In
this
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 way, they can find a lot of knowledge and information, they can be in touch with their friends and play games.
Moreover
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, using different appliances which are equipped with
technology
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 is really important for them because they look rich and high-class.
As a result
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, they make their effort to receive them from their parents and show them to their peers.
On the other hand
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, excessive utilise of smartphones can affect their health. Sore eyes are one of the effects of spending too much time on digital screens.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 activity is really addictive for
children
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. They plan to repeat it more and more every day.
Consequently
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, they cannot focus on their studies, they become more carefree people, and do not pay enough attention to their parents and teachers’ advice. These bad behaviours leave them behind, and they will not become successful in academic lessons. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
technology
Use synonyms
 has improved our lives to have enough access to the internet and smartphones,
children
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 should be aware of the drawbacks of excessive use. I recommend that parents determine a limited time for
children
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 by persuading them to other recreational activities.

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structure
Plan your essay with a simple plan: intro, 2 body parts, and a short ending.
grammar
Use plain language and fix common errors: use 'use' not 'utilise', and make noun and verb agree.
content
Add one or two real, simple examples from life to show how phone use hurts study or sleep.
content
Clear view that too much phone use can harm kids.
structure
There is a plan to discuss both sides and give a fix.
content
Conclusion repeats the view and ends the piece.
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