Some people believe that modern technology,such as the internet and smartphones,creates more problems than it solves.To what extent do you adree or disadree with this opinion?

Some
people
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believe that modern
technology
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,
such
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as the internet and smartphones, creates more
problems
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than it solves. In
this
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case, I strongly believe that these inventions have created more
problems
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than they have solved, and it is a little bit dangerous to others.
Firstly
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,modern
technology
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causes serious mental and social issues. A lot of
people
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, especially teenagers, spend too much time on their smartphones and social media, which becomes an addiction. They stop communicating with their close friends
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face to
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face-to-face
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face
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and lose the connection between reality and the internet.
Thus
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, they feel depressed and lonely.
For instance
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, many young
people
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prefer online communication,
such
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as using many types of applications,
instead
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of meeting their friends in real life. Even though it is more comfortable and time-saving, meeting friends
face
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to
face
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is a lot better.
Secondly
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,
technology
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negatively affects our health and education. Students lose their concentration
during
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while
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studying
due to
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the internet and smartphones.
Instead
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of studying, they want to watch social media and play video games.
As a result
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, their academic performances, grades, and motivations become worse and worse.
Moreover
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,
people
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sit in front of a computer or mobile for long
times
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periods
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every day, which causes eye
problems
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, back pain, and poor sleep. In conclusion,
although
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technology
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has made some things easier, I think it brings more
problems
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and harm than good,
such
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as health and mental issues. It ruins
people
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's relationships;
therefore
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, they become cold.

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Task Response
Your view is clear and you give reasons why technology can be a problem. To improve, add a short plan in the intro, and show a small idea of a balance or a different view.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a simple order and uses words to show steps (First, Second, In conclusion). To be better, make one main idea in each paragraph, use link words to join ideas, and check spaces after commas. Also fix small grammar mistakes.
Task Response
Clear start and end with a view stated.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good use of order words like First and Second to show steps.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
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