IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?

THERE IS NO DENYING THE FACT THAT REPEATING THE SAME ACTION OR VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION HAS A NEGATIVE EFFECT ON BOTH YOUNGSTERS AND THE COMMUNITY.
WHILE
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 IT IS A COMMONLY HELD BELIEF THAT
,
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 THE SAME SEES THAT SHOWN IN THE CINEMA CAN
IMPACT
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 THE BEHAVIOR OF OUR
CHILDREN
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.
MOREOVER
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, IT CAN INFLUENCE
THE SOCIETY
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society
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. IN MY OPINION, I CONCUR WITH
THIS
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 STATEMENT BECAUSE OF ITS
ABVIOUS
Correct your spelling
OBVIOUS
 EFFECT ON BOTH YOUNG PEOPLE AND SOCIETY.
TO BEGIN
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 WITH, VIOLENCE
THAT IS
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 SHOWN ON TELEVISION
ON
Punctuation problem
, ON
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 EVEN IN THE CINEMA, CAN INFLUENCE THE MINDSET OF
THE
Correct determiner usage
children
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CHILDREN
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. IT IS BECAUSE THE KIDS CAN NOT REALIZE THE DANGER.
MOREOVER
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, IT IS KNOWN THAT
CHELDREN COPY EVERY
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children copy every
 ACT THEY SEE , EVEN IF IT IS HARMFUL, BECAUSE THEY CAN NOT DIFFER BETWEEN WHAT IS CORRECT AND INCORRECT.
THATIS
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THAT IS
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 A RESULT OF THEIR MINDSET AND
ALSO
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 BECAUSE
THEIR
Correct pronoun usage
THEY
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 ARE INNOCENT.
FOR EXAMPLE
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, THERE IS A CASE THAT WAS VERY FAMOUS IN THE USA
,
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 IT TALKED ABOUT A CHILD WHO MURDERED HIS BROTHER, BECAUSE HE WAS IMITATING THE ACTIONS IN THE FILM THAT HE HAD WATCHED. WITH REGARD TO THE SOCIETY, IT CAN
IMPACT
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 THE COMMUNITY BY REPEATING THE SAME SEES SO THEIR MIND WILL CONSIDER THESE ACTS AS A NORMAL THING,
THEREFORE
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 THEY WILL NOT REALIZE THE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES THAT THESE ACTS RESULT IN. EVEN WILL AFFECT THE FAMILIES WHEN THEY SEE THEIR
CHILDREN
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 KILL OR STEAL SOMETHING.
THEREFORE
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 , TO AVOID THESE KINDS OF
IMPACT
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 WE SHOULD
AWARE
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BE AWARE
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THE
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OF THE
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 INDIVIDUALS ABOUT THE EFFECTIVENESS AND THE DANGER THAT MIGHT OUTCOME, AND SET ROLES FOR THE EDITORS TO DIMINISH THESE KINDS OF ACT, LIKE CUT, KILL AND STEAL.
FOR INSTANCE
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, LABEL THE FILMS OR PUT A WARNING BEFORE STARTING THE FILM TO INFORM THEM THAT IT CONTAIN SENSITIVE SEENS. IN A NUTSHELL, REPEATING THE VIOLENCE
THAT IS
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 SHOWN IN THE CINEMA AND ON TV HAS A NEGATIVE
IMPACT
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 ON BOTH
CHILDREN
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 AND THE
COMMUNITY
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COMMUNITY.
,
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THEREFORE
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, IT IS BETTER TO SET STRICT ROLES FOR THE EDITORS TO DOMINISH THE SHOWN OR WARN THE PEOPLE NOT TO IMITATE THESE ACTS.

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task response
Give a clear view in the start. Say if you agree, then tell two reasons.
coherence and cohesion
Make each idea fit in one part. Use a topic sentence and one big idea per paragraph.
content
Your view is clear and you say you agree.
structure
You offer a plan to cut harm, like film warnings.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitization
  • crucial stage
  • moral and ethical understandings
  • external factors
  • profound impact
  • reflection
  • mitigate
  • stricter regulations
  • depiction
  • empathy
  • conflict resolution
  • collaboration
  • conscious
  • impact
  • promoting
  • culture of peace
  • non-violence
  • public awareness campaigns
  • community programs
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