IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. it would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports. Do you agree or disagree?

There is no doubt that nowadays children are relying on technologies
such
Linking Words
 as computers and smartphones for enjoyment.
while
Linking Words
 it is commonly believed that kids spend their
time
Use synonyms
 on screens and electronic devices. There is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 consider that youngsters must be motivated to expend their
time
Use synonyms
 playing outside and doing
sports
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as football or other activities.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, physical activities
such
Linking Words
 as
sports
Use synonyms
 provide a plethora of benefits for children.
For instance
Linking Words
, playing
sports
Use synonyms
 improves their well-being.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
sports
Use synonyms
 like football and basketball develop teamwork and leadership skills.
In addition
Linking Words
, it helps to build their self-confidence.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a study by Harvard University disclosed that adolescents engaged in regular team
sports
Use synonyms
 demonstrated markedly higher emotional intelligence and conflict-resolution abilities than their screen-dependent peers.
However
Linking Words
, sedentary screen
time
Use synonyms
 can trigger childhood overweight and myopia. In fact, 40% of children reduce the risks of metabolic syndromes by doing
sports
Use synonyms
 and having a healthy lifestyle. Meanwhile, spending more
time
Use synonyms
 on devices can lead to detrimental data and communicating with individuals who can harm their social skills.
For example
Linking Words
, cooperative games tend to be more critical
due to
Linking Words
 the violence and profanity that adults and teenagers mostly use.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they could maintain bad words and habits. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 technology can be beneficial when used wisely, I believe that folks should spend more
time
Use synonyms
 participating in outdoor activities. Doing so will enhance their mental, physical, and emotional health and help them grow into balanced and socially active individuals.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Be clear in your view at once. In the first sentence state that you agree with the statement.
coherence
Put one main idea in each paragraph and start with a short topic sentence.
coherence
Give more proof for each point. Use simple, true, or small facts.
grammar
Fix grammar and punctuation. Capitalize I and end sentences with a dot.
lexical
Use only common words. Avoid long or hard words.
content
The essay shows a clear view and has a final conclusion.
structure
It gives many points on why sport can help kids.
structure
A closing paragraph restates the view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: