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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
The graph shows the
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who participated in different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia
between
Punctuation problem
, between
show examples
 2000 to 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the event most
people
Use synonyms
 engaged in between 2000 to 2020 was
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 club.
While
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 engaged in musical performances
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the least. Looking at the information in more detail, we can see that table tennis
participants
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 next-to-
last
Linking Words
 during 2000 to 2010.
Then
Linking Words
 it has significantly grown between 2010 to 2020,
ended
Wrong verb form
ending
show examples
 up taking
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second place.
This
Linking Words
 change was
also
Linking Words
 followed by the
participants
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 musical performances. The
Use synonyms
participants
Check wording
apply
show examples
number
also
Linking Words
 increased since 2005, but still not too much.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
participanted
Correct your spelling
participating
 in amateur dramatics decreased since 2005. Soon became the least popular
activitiy
Correct your spelling
activity
 at
last
Linking Words
.
Additionly
Correct your spelling
Additionally
,
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
participants
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 club and martial arts
was remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 stable. The film club was
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 popular activity within these twenty years.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, last".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, participants with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • participants
  • social centre
  • comparison
  • trends
  • consistently popular
  • gained popularity
  • lost popularity
  • community interest
  • availability of facilities
  • social factors
  • economic factors
  • external events
  • economic downturns
  • health crises
  • demographic changes
  • aging population
  • marketing
  • community outreach programs
  • participation rates
  • Melbourne
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