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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
The line graph illustrates the
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
participants
Use synonyms
 for 5 categories
events
Change preposition
of events
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 were film club, martial arts,
amateur
Use synonyms
dramatics
Use synonyms
,
table
Use synonyms
tennis
Use synonyms
, and musical
performance
Use synonyms
 at
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
 centre in Melbourne of Australia
between
Punctuation problem
, between
show examples
 2000 and 2020.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the most
people
Use synonyms
 attend
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 club than other activities during the given period,
while
Linking Words
 musical performances saw the
least
Correct word choice
fewest
show examples
 spectators at the beginning. In 2000, the
participants
Use synonyms
 of
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 club were about 65 and ranked
first,
Linking Words
while
Linking Words
 there was no one to watch the musical
performance
Use synonyms
. Martial arts showed 35 spectators, which was around
doubled
Replace the word
double
show examples
Use synonyms
participants of
Correct word order
of participants
show examples
Use synonyms
table
Change preposition
in table
show examples
tennis
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 25
people
Use synonyms
 attended
amateur
Use synonyms
dramatics
Use synonyms
. Between 2000 and 2010, all the events presented stable fluctuation, except musical
performance
Use synonyms
. The
people
Use synonyms
 in Melbourne started to
participated
Wrong verb form
participate
show examples
musical
Change preposition
in musical
show examples
Use synonyms
performance
Fix the agreement mistake
performances
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 from 0 to 11 audiences. It can be seen
notable
Correct word choice
that notable
show examples
 changes
after
Verb problem
occurred after
show examples
 2010, especially in 2015,
the
Rephrase
when the
show examples
participants
Use synonyms
 of musical
performance
Use synonyms
 surpassed
amateur
Use synonyms
dramatics
Use synonyms
, at 17 and 13 respectively, because
amateur
Use synonyms
dramatics
Use synonyms
 saw a
drastical
Correct your spelling
drastic
 fall.
Additionally
Linking Words
, more
people
Use synonyms
 chose
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
table
Use synonyms
tennis
Use synonyms
 rather than martial arts
simultaneously
Rephrase
apply
show examples
, which rose significantly in
table
Use synonyms
tennis
Use synonyms
 from 35 to 55
participants
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words participants, amateur, dramatics, table, tennis, performance, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participants
  • social centre
  • comparison
  • trends
  • consistently popular
  • gained popularity
  • lost popularity
  • community interest
  • availability of facilities
  • social factors
  • economic factors
  • external events
  • economic downturns
  • health crises
  • demographic changes
  • aging population
  • marketing
  • community outreach programs
  • participation rates
  • Melbourne
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