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Band 8

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#people #competition #work #school #life
While
 some people believe that competing helps individuals stay motivated and strive harder, others think that
cooperation
 should be prioritized as it can enhance effectiveness and create a congenial environment for work and study. Personally, since
both
 perspectives have their own advantages and disadvantages, I believe it is optimal to foster
both
 a competitive and cooperative atmosphere. On the one hand, it is understandable why some advocate for competition. Most obviously, when competing, individuals do not want to be left behind and want to stand out.
Therefore
, they are consistently motivated and driven to continue striving.
This
, in turn, enhances performance and yields more significant results in academic and professional settings. Football exemplifies
this
 perfectly: if a player underperforms a few times, he will not get additional chances to play.
Consequently
, all players train diligently to ensure they are good enough to participate.
On the other hand
, there are valid reasons why some value
cooperation
 more. Primarily, teamwork significantly improves effectiveness. Specifically, working in groups reduces the time needed to complete assignments or projects that would take much longer if done alone.
Furthermore
, since everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, team members can compensate for each other's shortcomings, thereby improving the quality of the work. The importance of collaboration is evident in Apple’s workplace, where areas are designed to facilitate employee
cooperation
.
As a result
, bonds between colleagues are strengthened, leading to better outcomes for the company. In conclusion,
both
 competition and
cooperation
 offer benefits.
However
, I believe that incorporating
both
 in our lives is ideal, as it helps maintain motivation
while
 enhancing
overall
 effectiveness.
Submitted by nphlpro on

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introduction inadequate
Try to make your introduction more engaging by starting with a hook or an interesting assertion. This will capture the reader’s attention right from the start.
connect ideas inadequately
Although the essay is well-structured, make sure to connect the discussion of each view with cohesive devices to enhance the flow. For example, using phrases like 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' or 'However,' can create smoother transitions.
insufficient examples
To improve clarity and depth, consider incorporating more specific examples or statistical data to strengthen your arguments.
conclusion needs stronger closure
Make sure your conclusion not only summarizes the key points but also adds a final thought or opinion that leaves a lasting impression on the reader.
understanding of prompt
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the prompt and provides a balanced discussion of both views.
logical structure
The essay exhibits a logical structure with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
effective use of examples
You have effectively used relevant examples, such as referencing football and Apple's workplace, to support your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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