Nowadays,young people admire media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In recent years, the number of youngsters who are impressed by
celebrities
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has increased significantly.
Although
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there can be some benefits of
this
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trend,it is detrimental for the upbringing of the teenagers , and it impacts
on
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apply
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their worldview . One positive side of idolising eminent
people
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is that some of them demonstrate dedication and resilience. So as to succeed in their life,they overcome several challenges,never giving up.
For instance
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, elite athletes achieve breakthrough results after working hard and constant training for a long time. They can be good role models for the youth.
Moreover
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, some actors advocate for issues that are happening around the globe.
This
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ensures individuals with critical information, raising awareness.
Nevertheless
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, over-admiration has a number of repercussions. One of them is unrealistic behaviour.It should be confessed that there are some famous
people
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who act extravagantly, showing aggressive actions. Seeing them , their fans try to emulate and implement unethical activities.
Besides
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,most
celebrities
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upload their
luxury
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luxurious
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lives on social media , which affects
people
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's mental health negatively. Once individuals watch
celebrities
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' fulfilling lives,they become dissatisfied with their own lives, feeling stressed or even depressed.
This
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may lead to severe consequences
such
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as suicide.
To conclude
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,in spite of the fact that a few popular
people
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cultivate determination and alertness, imitating
celebrities
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who lack moral integrity is disadvantageous for both individuals and society

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structure
Make your view clear in the first line and keep the same main idea in each paragraph, with a strong tie to the prompt.
content
Give one strong example for each point, and try to relate it to real life or facts.
grammar
Check word choice and fix errors like 'upbringing of the teenagers' to a simpler form such as 'teens' or 'young people' and 'for the youth' is also okay.
coherence
Use more link words to show how ideas connect, for example 'also', 'but', 'however', and 'therefore'.
coherence
Watch length and avoid repeating ideas; keep the essay tight and on task.
grammar
Polish punctuation: add spaces after commas and full stops; keep sentences short and easy to read.
content
The essay shows both sides and a clear attempt to weigh good and bad effects.
form
There is a clear intro and a conclusion.
content
Some good examples are used, like athletes and actors.
content
The idea that media and stars can affect teens' thinking is clear.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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