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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar charts below show the main reasons for study among students of different age groups and the amount of support they received from employers.

The bar charts illustrate the main reasons for
study
Use synonyms
according to
Linking Words
 the
age
Use synonyms
 of students and the amount of employer
support
Use synonyms
 by
age
Use synonyms
 groups.
Overall
Linking Words
, as the
age
Use synonyms
 groups increase, the
interest
Use synonyms
 towards education rises,
while
Linking Words
 the purpose for
career
Use synonyms
 development dwindles.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
support
Use synonyms
 received declines as the employers'
age
Use synonyms
 grows. Looking at the first bar chart, the
under 26
Use the right word
under-26
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age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 tends to
study
Use synonyms
 because of
career
Use synonyms
 improvement, with 80
people
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 10
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to
study
Use synonyms
 for
interest
Use synonyms
. The figure decreases by 10 for
career
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it increases by around 5 for
interest
Use synonyms
 in the 26-29
age
Use synonyms
group
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.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, around 60
people
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 have a tendency to
study
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
career
Correct article usage
a career
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
 half of them do so for
interest
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the same
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 in the 40-49
age
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group
Use synonyms
 represents both reasons for
study
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, at 40. Meanwhile, 70 of the
over 49
Use the right word
over-49
show examples
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 have an
interest
Use synonyms
 in
study
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 20 of them have to
study
Use synonyms
 in order to progress in their work. Turning our attention to the second bar chart, over 60 of those under
Correct article usage
the aged
show examples
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
26
Change preposition
of 26
show examples
 try to
support
Use synonyms
 students,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest amount, around 30, is observed in the 30-39
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
. The 26-39
age
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group
Use synonyms
 gave more
support
Use synonyms
 compared to the 40-49
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, with around 20 more
people
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. At the same time, almost 45 employers over
Correct article usage
the aged
show examples
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
49
Change preposition
of 49
show examples
 supported students to
study
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words study, age, support, interest, career, group, people with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "amount" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • age groups
  • career advancement
  • personal development
  • employer support
  • external aid
  • correlation
  • intrinsic motivation
  • career enhancement
  • societal impacts
  • workforce development
  • lifelong learning
  • primary reasons
  • motivation for study
  • part-time studies
  • career-oriented
  • personal interest
  • educational pursuit
  • study motivation
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