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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows the number of people who took part in a national health survey between 2005 and 2009, answering questions about their sleeping habits.

The table illustrates the
number
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 of
people
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Correct pronoun usage
who participanted
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participanted
Correct your spelling
participated
 in and answered questions in a certain national health investigation of their sleeping habits from 2005 to 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the highest
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number of
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
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participation rate was in 2009,
whereas
Linking Words
 the smallest
number
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 of
people
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 was in 2005.
According to
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 the total
number
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 of participants,
people
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 taking part in 2009 accounted for the largest share at 540,000, followed
with
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by
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 the survey in 2008 by 362,000,
while
Linking Words
people
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participanting
Correct your spelling
participating
 in 2005 made up the lowest
number
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, which was merely 8,000 total. In terms of the
number
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 of
gap
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gaps
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 between
differnet
Correct your spelling
different
gender
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genders
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, the biggest gap of
women
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 and
men
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was
Verb problem
apply
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in 2008, which
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 331,000
of
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apply
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women
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 and 31,000
of
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apply
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men
Use synonyms
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
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.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
women
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's
participantion
Correct your spelling
participation
 rate in 2006 was the only
number
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 that was lower than
men
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, at 12,000 compared with 36,000 of
men
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there were the same
number
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 of
women
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 and
men
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's participants,which were in 2007(32,000
people
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) and 2009.(270,000
people
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)

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, people, women, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 6 times.
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