IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people believe that parents should teach their students to be good citizens, however believe that school should do this. Discuss both views and give your opinion

It is argued
Use synonyms
parents
Correct word choice
that parents
show examples
 should educate their
children
Use synonyms
 to
well behave
Correct word order
behave well
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe
schools
Use synonyms
 are important places to elevate
pupils
Check wording
pupils'
show examples
 knowledge about society. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will
discusses
Wrong verb form
discuss
show examples
 both viewpoints and give my opinions
further
Linking Words
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 have several basic infrastructures to generate and educate their pupils to become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 of society.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they have professional teachers to give sufficient and proper social
knowledges
Fix the agreement mistake
knowledge
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, public
schools
Use synonyms
 in Indonesia
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 social
community
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
, because they have some teachers with social and cultural
education
Use synonyms
 backgrounds.
In addition
Linking Words
, public
shools
Use the right word
schools
show examples
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 those subjects at every
stages
Fix the agreement mistake
stage
show examples
, from first grade to
12
Correct your spelling
12th
grades
Fix the agreement mistake
grade
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
schools
Use synonyms
 always promote and encourage their students through
scout
Fix the agreement mistake
scouts
show examples
, a main subject which
teaching
Replace the word
teaches
show examples
 about communication and character
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 have pivotal roles to construct their offspring
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good behaviour in a
community
Use synonyms
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 with
well
Correct word choice
good
show examples
behaviors
Replace the word
behaviour
show examples
 can influence their kids, because most offspring always
copying
Wrong verb form
copy
show examples
 their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
behaviors
Replace the word
behaviour
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
already
Verb problem
have already
show examples
 finished their
education
Use synonyms
 daily, they spend
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of their time with their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
home base
Use the right word
home-based
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 is more important
from
Change preposition
than
show examples
schools
Use synonyms
.
For Instance
Linking Words
,
Parents
Use synonyms
 will guide their
children
Use synonyms
 to communicate with their close
relative
Fix the agreement mistake
relatives
show examples
 and
neighboor
Correct your spelling
neighbours
 every
moments
Fix the agreement mistake
moment
show examples
, and
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 acts will shape their characters in
Use synonyms
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
schools
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 good teachers and
syllabus
Fix the agreement mistake
syllabi
show examples
 to elevate their
pupil's
Check wording
pupils'
show examples
 role in
Use synonyms
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
, family is beneficial
Use synonyms
education
Change preposition
for education
show examples
 to construct
children
Use synonyms
's characters
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
societies
Fix the agreement mistake
society
show examples
.

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task
Your view is not very clear in the first paragraph. Add a short plan or note in the intro that you will talk about both sides and then give your own view in the end.
coherence
Each paragraph should have one main idea with a clear topic sentence, so the reader sees the point.
task
Give more real examples that show how school or home can teach good citizen acts, not only general ideas.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling; fix subject-verb errors and the use of possessives (parents' and pupils' forms).
coherence
Use more linking words to make ideas flow, and avoid too much repetition of words like 'school'.
content
You discuss both views and give your own opinion in the end.
examples
You use an example from your country (Indonesia) to show how schools teach social stuff.
structure
There is a clear ending that restates the view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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