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Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart below gives information about railway system of 6 different countries

The chart below gives information about railway system of 6 different countries
The chart gives information about one kind of transport
system
Use synonyms
 in six different
.
Check wording
cities.
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Overall
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the given data, we can learn their established time, how long kilometres they go around and how many passengers they can used from them. All the information belonged to London, Paris, Tokyo, Washington,
Kyoto
Use synonyms
 and Los Angeles.
In addition
Linking Words
, in the 19th century, the first railway
system
Use synonyms
 was opened in London. The next state was Paris , where
this
Linking Words
system
Use synonyms
 was used .
According to
Linking Words
 some orders, Tokyo, Washington and
Kyoto
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 applied it in their countries. The
last
Linking Words
 government was
Los
Change preposition
in Los
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 Angeles
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 at the beginning of the 21st century. Look at their physical benefits, trains were more advantageous in comparison to others, to be clearer, suitable for a
394 kilometres
Correct your spelling
394-kilometre
 distance.
In contrast
Linking Words
 to it, the
system
Use synonyms
 in
Kyoto
Use synonyms
 was less useful, covering can distance of 11 kilometres.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 the passenger members, Tokyo stood at the
first,
Linking Words
suitable for 1927 members.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
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 people
can
Correct pronoun usage
who can
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 use the train
system
Use synonyms
 in
Kyoto
Use synonyms

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "according to".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words system, kyoto with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "gives" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "gives" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "information" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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