IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?

There has been a
long living
Use the right word
long-standing
show examples
 discussion whether competitive
sports
Use synonyms
 should be included in
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the schools
show examples
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 curriculum.
While
Linking Words
 some people believe that these kinds of
activities
Use synonyms
 should be excluded from lessons in
schools
Use synonyms
, I personally only partially agree with the
statent
Correct your spelling
statement
. On the one hand, competitive physical
activities
Use synonyms
 may create unnecessary enmity between classmates and lead to bullying. First and foremost, youngersters usually still have not learned how to manage their emotions and competition in physical
activities
Use synonyms
 can create hostility between teams or individuals. A team
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 lost a game of basketball,
for example
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, can feel disconnected and mad at the opposing group since they have not yet
have
Wrong verb form
had
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 the emotional
intellegince
Correct your spelling
intelligence
 to understand
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that losing does not make a person weak.
Moreover
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, if
adolescent
Correct article usage
an adolescent
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 has trouble performing in
sports
Use synonyms
,
one
Correct pronoun usage
he
show examples
 can experience bullying simply because he is
unatheletic
Correct your spelling
unathletic
. Indeed, a young individual who hardly ever works out could possibly
disapoint
Correct your spelling
disappoint
 his crew and
as a result
Linking Words
 be bullied.
Therefore
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, competitive
sports
Use synonyms
 might lead to
toxic
Correct article usage
a toxic
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 environment in
schools
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, ambitious
sports
Use synonyms
 motivate students to become fit and to work in teams.
Firstly
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, competition in physical
activities
Use synonyms
 creates
determination
Correct article usage
the determination
show examples
 to beat one’s peers.
For instance
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, an unhealthy, overweight youngster may feel a
nessecity
Correct your spelling
necessity
 to become faster and better to feel equal to his classmates.
Additionally
Linking Words
, team
sports
Use synonyms
 help young people learn how to communicate and work in teams in order to beat the opposing group.
This
Linking Words
 example is seen in
sports
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 where
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 communication is a crucial part of winning
namely
Punctuation problem
, namely
show examples
 volleyball, football.
Thus
Linking Words
, competitive physical
activities
Use synonyms
 help
teengers
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 to learn crucial life lessons. In conclusion, competitive
sports
Use synonyms
 may contribute to
hostile
Correct article usage
a hostile
show examples
 environment like bullying in
schools
Use synonyms
. Despite the negative aspects of those
activities
Use synonyms
competitive
Punctuation problem
, competitive
show examples
 sport offers numerous benefits
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as healthy lifestyle and communication skills, which is why
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe teaching facilities should allow
to
Check wording
students to
show examples
 play these
sports
Use synonyms
Linking Words
although
Punctuation problem
, although
show examples
 in moderation.

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task
State your clear view in the intro and keep your main position; it helps the reader know your stand.
cohesion
Make one main idea in each paragraph and start with a clear topic sentence.
cohesion
Use simple links to join ideas and keep sentences short for easy flow.
grammar
Check spell and grammar and fix common errors to make the writing easy to read.
content
You show both sides of the issue, not just one.
structure
There is a clear use of 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' to compare points.
example
You give examples like bullying and the idea of being healthy.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sports
  • team
  • school
  • curriculum
  • build
  • skills
  • friendship
  • social
  • goals
  • hard
  • healthy
  • reduce
  • stress
  • competition
  • improve
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
What to do next:
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