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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think thau5t they should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Although
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 some
people
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 argue that individuals should not be forced to follow their own
tradition
Punctuation problem
tradition,
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 as it makes them feel more restricted in making their own decisions, I agree with the statement that young
people
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 should follow their culture to learn moral
values
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 in order to become better citizens and protect our heritage. On the one hand, Critics argue that teenagers should be independent without being forced to follow their traditional
values
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.
This
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 is mainly because following certain cultural norms makes them feel stressed
,
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apply
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 and prevents them from making informed decisions about their future. As an example, in certain cultures, women are not allowed to pursue higher education as it is considered against their traditional
values
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, because they are bound only to family responsibilities.
As a result
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, teens are demotivated because they are unable to achieve their
dream
Fix the agreement mistake
dreams
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 as they are bound to their cultural restrictions.
On the other hand
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, proponents argue that they should follow their traditions.
That is
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 to say that each custom has its own value,
while
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 following makes
people
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 understand the significance of
such
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 practices in society.
For example
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, Asian culture teaches moral
values
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,
such
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 as caring, empathy, and compassion,
while
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 learning these
values
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 influences individuals to live up to these principles.
Furthermore
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, when teens follow
such
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 cultural practices, it prevents their rich heritage, which will be followed by their future generations.
Therefore
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, it protects their cultural identity
while
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 being responsible citizens of society. In conclusion,even though
people
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 believe that individuals should not be forced to follow traditions, in my opinion, I agree that youths should follow their own culture in order to protect their cultural heritage, and learn moral
values
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 to be good residents.

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coherence
Make your links between ideas clearer. Use easy connect words like 'and', 'but', 'also', 'so' to show how ideas go one to the next.
coherence
Give more clear reasons for your view. Each idea should be shown with a simple reason.
coherence
Check grammar and keep verb and noun forms in the same way.
structure
Fix big caps and keep a clean form in every part of the essay.
task response
Clear view and stance on the topic
task response
Two sides are shown with examples
coherence
Easy to read with simple words
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural identity
  • values
  • belonging
  • unity
  • wisdom
  • knowledge
  • heritage
  • personal growth
  • exploration
  • creativity
  • innovation
  • critical thinking
  • independence
  • progress
  • stifle
  • hinder
  • balance
  • respect
  • value
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