Some sports are extremely dangerous for those who play them. Why do people participate in such sports? What measures could they take to minimize the risk involved?

It is often argued that
people
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should become more careful
while
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playing their enjoyed
sports
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because they get injured. There is a saying, “
Injuries
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never tell before they arrive”, which means players do not have a chance to know they are in danger of suffering. The main reason why
people
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are keen on
this
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type of sport is that it gives them an adrenaline rush.
People
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should take some
safety
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measures to prevent
injuries
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. Nowadays,
people
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's lifestyles are getting more repetitive.
Hence
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, they seek excitement in their everyday life. The feeling of being at risk releases lots of adrenaline and oxytocine , which may be addictive to some.
For instance
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, snowboarding is getting more popular among the youth in Mongolia
,
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apply
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because of the feeling it gives. Even though snowboarding is an extreme sport which may lead to spine injury, the feeling of being free and the excitement make them choose the danger. There are many ways to prevent
injuries
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.
Firstly
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, there are many tools that prevent hazards during a game.
People
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should wear
a
Correct article usage
apply
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safety
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equipment to prevent
injuries
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.
For instance
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,
people
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often worry about
safety
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equipment after they have already suffered some
injuries
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.
Therefore
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, we should learn about using
safety
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equipment to prevent injury.
Secondly
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, in recent years, lots of new arenas, halls,
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sports
Correct word choice
and sports
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centres have been built.
However
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, these new
sports
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constructions should have their own
doctors
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for ambulances. If treatment is not taken by
doctors
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in a
proper
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timely
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time
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manner
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,
injuries
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may get worse.
In particular
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,
doctors
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say that lots of
people
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are suffering
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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could have been treated already , because they did not get the correct treatment at the correct time.
According to
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that,
sports
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centres should have their
doctors
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for players' health.
To conclude
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,
people
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should play their favourite
sports
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without being afraid of getting injured.
For
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this
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reason, players must be ready with any possible danger
,
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;
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furthermore
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, any gyms or
sports
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centres should prepare
safety
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techniques to play. In
this
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way,
people
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can minimise the risk.

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structure
Add a clear plan in the intro. Say what you will cover.
coherence
Use simple link words to show order and links between ideas.
organization
Keep each paragraph about one main idea and add a brief note on how to stop injuries.
grammar
Write short sentences. avoid long, hard to read lines.
accuracy
Check spelling and word use (for example, oxytocin and ambulance).
task response
Give a stronger example or fact to back up each point.
conclusion
End with a clear conclusion that restates your view and lists the safety steps.
idea
The idea to explain why people take part in risky sport is clear.
content
The essay shows some useful safety ideas.
example
The use of an example (snowboarding) is on topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • adrenaline rush
  • thrill-seeking
  • physical and mental boundaries
  • peer pressure
  • media influence
  • cultural norms
  • livelihood
  • extensive training
  • state-of-the-art
  • safety equipment
  • governing bodies
  • regulations
  • supervision
  • risk assessment
  • emergency plans
  • minimize risks
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