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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

At the present time, having a relatively large number of young adults in the
population
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 has become a noticeable trend in many countries, where the proportion of younger people is much higher than that of the elderly.
While
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this
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situation
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 may involve certain disadvantages, I believe that the
advantages
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 are far more significant.
This
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 essay will examine both sides before explaining why the
advantages
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 outweigh the disadvantages. On the one hand,
this
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situation
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 has several notable drawbacks. One major disadvantage is that there can be intense competition for employment, which can lead to higher unemployment rates among young people. Another concern is the pressure on public services, particularly in relation to education and job training systems.
For example
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, universities and vocational institutions may become overcrowded, which highlights the potential negative impact of
this
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 trend. These issues suggest that
this
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situation
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 may create certain challenges.
On the other hand
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, the
advantages
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 of
this
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situation
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 are far more significant. One important benefit is that economic productivity can increase, as a large young
population
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 can form an energetic and flexible workforce.
Moreover
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, a younger
population
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 encourages innovation and entrepreneurship, which contributes to economic growth and technological advancement.
In addition
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,
this
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 demographic structure allows governments to collect more tax revenue and invest in development projects, leading to long-term national development.
For instance
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, countries with a skilled young workforce often experience rapid industrial and economic expansion, which clearly demonstrates how
this
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 trend can be beneficial. In conclusion,
although
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 there are some disadvantages associated with a
population
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 dominated by young adults, I firmly believe that the
advantages
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 outweigh the drawbacks.
This
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 is because the long-term economic and social benefits, particularly in terms of productivity and development, are far more impactful.
Therefore
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,
this
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situation
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 is likely to bring sustainable economic growth and national progress in the future.

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overall
The essay has a clear view and good set up, but add more real or exact examples to back points and show why the pluses beat the downs.
structure
Improve the flow by using a clear topic sentence in each paragraph and link each idea to the main claim.
coherence
Use more linking words to show how ideas connect, for example 'as a result' or 'in addition' to vary link use.
grammar
Try to avoid repeating same words like 'young population'. Use small changes in start of sentences to keep flow.
content
Clear view and strong start to show stance.
organization
Good use of two sides in a map form 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand'.
conclusion
Ending paragraph restates view well and leaves a clear finish.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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