IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Serious violent crimes among people who are under 18 are becoming more common. Some people think that children who commit serious crimes should be treated like like adults,while others would say they should be rehabilitated. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v2

Serious violent
crime
Use synonyms
 among
people
Use synonyms
 who are under 18 is becoming widespread. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that teenagers who commit serious
crimes
Use synonyms
 should be treated as
adults
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 I side with the latter view that thinks that
criminals
Use synonyms
 who are under 18 should be
rehabilitated
Punctuation problem
rehabilitated,
show examples
 because they believe governments can prevent
crimes
Use synonyms
 through introducing more psychological subjects at school. The primary reason why they support the idea like
criminals
Use synonyms
 under 18 should be treated as
adults
Use synonyms
 because they think violent
criminals
Use synonyms
 re-offend after rehabilitation. Former viewers want to prevent their children from coming across
this
Linking Words
crime
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, after rehabilitation,
criminals
Use synonyms
 could well commit violent
crimes
Use synonyms
. If
criminals
Use synonyms
 who are under 18 are treated as
adults
Use synonyms
, they would understand it is wrong as
adults
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, former thinkers tend to think who commit the first
crime
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can commit a
crime
Use synonyms
 again. Another reason why I support the latter opinion because
criminals
Use synonyms
 under 18 should be rehabilitated through
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 strict laws and psychological support. I strongly believe that serious violent
criminals
Use synonyms
 are treated
according to
Linking Words
 their age.
Additionally
Linking Words
, if children are treated
according to
Linking Words
 their age, they will do better.
Consequently
Linking Words
, authorities can prevent
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
this
Linking Words
 actions through teaching teenagers to assist other
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 prevention clearly prevents
crimes
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 scientists who work in
this
Linking Words
 field, they recorded results in Arabic countries have more subjects about humanitarian to teach students to respect others and think more positively.
This
Linking Words
 method clearly prevented
crimes
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, serious
criminals
Use synonyms
 among
people
Use synonyms
 who are under 18 are becoming more common. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that children should be treated as
adults
Use synonyms
 because they believe they tend to commit
crimes
Use synonyms
 again. Meanwhile, others would say they should be rehabilitated because authorities can introduce strict laws to prevent violent
crimes
Use synonyms
 among individuals who are under 18.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

improvement
Your essay tries to cover both views and your own view. Make this clearer in the opening and in each paragraph, so the reader sees the plan.
improvement
Some sentences are hard to read because of wrong form. Check grammar and use short, simple sentences.
improvement
Give one clear, real example and explain it. The line about Arabic countries is not clear. Use a simple fact or plain idea.
improvement
Link ideas through each paragraph in a clear way. Use simple steps like first, next, then, finally.
improvement
Make your main point stronger. Align your ideas with the task and explain why rehabilitation can help.
content
The essay gives a clear view in the end and tries to discuss both sides.
structure
There is a full shape with intro, two body parts and a conclusion.
coherence
Some good linking words show order and flow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • crime
  • child
  • adult
  • judge
  • court
  • punishment
  • sentence
  • rights
  • safety
  • protect
  • victim
  • justice
  • fairness
  • learn
  • change
  • help
  • support
  • school
  • job
  • future
  • rules
  • law
  • risk
  • supervise
  • care
  • community
What to do next:
Look at other essays: