IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Part 2: Some experts believe that when a country is already rich, any additional increase in economic wealth does not make its citizens any more satisfied. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some scientists think that if the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
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country has already
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
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,
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further
Fix capitalization
Further
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 economic growth does not make its citizens more satisfied. I agree with
this
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 point of view as money cannot buy happiness
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 later
people
Use synonyms
 will need other things to feel happiness.
Firstly
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, there are many
people
Use synonyms
 who would like to live like
this
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, when they can afford almost everything, medicine, better food and other advantages , but later they will face the same problems as they had before economic growth.
For example
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, a person may have a big house and a nice car, but feel tired and busy all the time. They will have the same stress level, long working hours, even though they have high salaries.
As a result
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,
people
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 can be tired of
this
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 life as one of satisfaction depends on free time and emotional well-being.
Secondly
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, individuals in rich societies often compare themselves with
others
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. If everyone becomes rich, expectations will increase , and individuals may feel unhappy because they are not as successful as
others
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.
This
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 constant pressure to be better than
others
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 can reduce life satisfaction and create feelings of failure.
Moreover
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, constant comparison with
others
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 can lead to mental health problems
such
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 as anxiety and depression.
As a result
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, even in economically developed countries,
people
Use synonyms
 may feel unsatisfied despite higher incomes. In conclusion, I strongly agree that increasing wealth in already rich countries does not make citizens more satisfied because there are still problems
such
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 as loneliness, work stress and other things that cannot be solved by increasing salary in life.

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overall
Your view is clear: you say you agree with the idea. Add one more line to show how this view fits the task question.
grammar
Fix big grammar mistakes. For example: 'the the country has already reach' should be 'the country has already reached', 'before economic growth' is fine, but be careful with verb forms.
cohesion
Use simple links to help the ideas flow. You used 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' well; also add 'for example' and 'as a result' with a comma to join ideas.
content
Add more than two ideas to support your view. Talk about time, work life, health, and fear of loss, deeper feelings, not just money.
examples
Provide more clear examples with real life or local detail. This makes the point stronger.
mechanics
Check punctuation: too many spaces before commas; keep normal spacing. Also keep consistent spelling (agree, needs, etc.).
strength
The writer takes a clear position, which fits the task.
strength
There are good examples about rich life, like big house and car, and link to feelings of stress.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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