IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Mobile phones are rapidly spreading
accross
Correct your spelling
across
 the globe, as are sites and apps for communication and sharing
information
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. Certain
people
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 claim that the government should be in possession of phone records
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 calls and
messages
Punctuation problem
messages,
show examples
 in order to keep citizens inside their country safe.
Other
Fix the agreement mistake
Another
show examples
 contest that
view
Correct subject-verb agreement
views
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by suggesting
Wrong verb form
suggests
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 that
kind of
Correct word choice
such
show examples
information
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 should be given out only if
people
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 want to share
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will try to provide arguments for both of these views,
while
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 adding a personal opinion in the end. By having
people
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's private records
like
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, like
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 text messages and phone calls,
governments
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 could do a better job at
prevention
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preventing
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of
Change preposition
apply
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crimes
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. Working with the police,
governments
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 could monitor certain activities in someone's mobile phone
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 downloading child pornography and making certain illegal deals (drugs, weapons, human trafficking, etc.), and on that basis arrest these
people
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 before
crimes
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 even take place. Along those lines, victims of certain
crimes
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 can receive justice faster because of
wide
Correct article usage
a wide
show examples
 network of
information
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 that's at the government's disposal. They wouldn't need to search
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
information
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 needed for an investigation by interviewing suspects
,
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;
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 they could just go through the available records and find the criminal more easily.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, having that type of
information
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 deeply intervenes
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
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's privacy.
People
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 would know their
data
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 can be monitored at any time, which can lead them to automatically be more secretive and distrustful, both in relation to each other and to public institutions.
Also
Linking Words
, if
governments
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 had open access to
people
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's private correspondence, they
can
Wrong verb form
could
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 trade the
data
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 with certain companies or with other countries, if they
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 profit from it. In conclusion,
governments
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 can put a stop to certain
crimes
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 more easily, just like they can solve
crimes
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 more effectively, if they have
information
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 from
people
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's phones. But
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that can
also
Linking Words
 mean a serious breach of privacy,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of trust in institutions, and the potential for
governments
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 to use that
data
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 for their own gain. My personal opinion is strongly against governmental
possesssion
Correct your spelling
possession
 of
people
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's private correspondence. If
governments
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 want to use it in order to improve national security, they have to have permission to access the
data
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 from the owners of the same
data
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.

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coherence
Use more clear link words to show how ideas relate and to guide the reader.
structure
Keep one idea in each paragraph and end it with a clear point.
grammar
Fix spelling and grammar so the text is easy to read.
content
Give a bit more real facts or small examples to back up your points.
content
Two sides are shown and a view is given.
structure
Intro and conclusion are present.
coherence
You use 'on the other hand' to show contrast.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • privacy
  • communication data
  • public safety
  • terrorist activities
  • serious crimes
  • monitoring
  • tracked
  • unauthorized access
  • fundamental human right
  • abuse of power
  • infringement
  • trust in governmental institutions
  • surveillance capabilities
  • government power
  • overreach
  • strict regulations
  • accountability measures
  • individual rights
  • potential misuse
  • swift interventions
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