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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Childhood obesity is becoming a problem throughout the developed world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in schools and colleges. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In recent years, it has been widely
recognized
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recognised
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 that
obesity
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 among young people
became
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has become
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 a serious issue around the world.
As a result
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, some people argue that advertising junk meals and high sugar
food
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 must be banned in educational facilities.
In
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From
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 my perspective, I strongly agree with
this
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 statement. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the reasons that support my opinion.
To begin
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 with, one major reason is that by promoting
such
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 adverts that include unhealthy options, children will have the tendency to buy
it
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them
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 more often. A clear example of
this
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,
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apply
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 is that even though the student wasn`t planning
for eating
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to eat
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 fast
food
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, by seeing it all around the school, he will definitely crave it.
However
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, if he didn`t see the ad
of
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for
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this
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 certain
food
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, he
will
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would
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 most likely
to
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apply
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go home and eat homemade
food
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, as he was not craving it
from
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in
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 the first place. Ultimately, by
banding
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banning
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 fast
food
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 promotions around schools and colleges, cravings of young children will be monitored,
and leads
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leading
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 to lower
obesity
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 levels. Another crucial reason, developed
contries
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countries
 with
high-education
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a high
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 level, often have classes with
curriculum
Correct article usage
a curriculum
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contains
Verb problem
that includes
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 nutrition and preventive medicine,
such
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 as China. I believe that
while
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 having
such
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 topics in
childern`s
Correct your spelling
children`s
 curriculum, contradicts with the idea of advertising
food
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 that teachers are warning them to eat. As a
results
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result
show examples
, the ministry of education should encourage healthy
food
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 promotion around campus and build
awarness
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awareness
 campaigns with nutritional
benfits
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benefits
 that could enrich the students` knowledge and change their
behavior
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behaviour
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,
hence
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 they will make better decisions for their health, which will
also
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 result in declining
obesity
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 rates. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I firmly believe that advertising unhealthy
food
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 and snacks should not be permitted in colleges and schools, as it leads to significantly rising childhood
obesity
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.

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structure
Make your plan clear. State your view in one sentence in the intro and restate it in the conclusion.
grammar
Fix spelling and grammar mistakes to stop harm to meaning. E.g., banding -> banning, As a results -> As a result, childern`s -> children's.
development
Give stronger, more real examples and show how the ban would work in schools, with some possible outcomes.
coherence
Use simple linking words and keep sentences short to improve flow and readability.
content
You show a clear view that advertising junk food should be banned.
structure
There is a plan with an intro, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
content
You connect the topic to the issue of child health, which helps argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • vulnerability
  • unethical
  • well-being
  • commercial gain
  • cafeteria options
  • nutritional programs
  • fast food advertisements
  • health impacts
  • influence
  • educational environment
  • promote healthier eating habits
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