IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say governments should give priority to health care, while others believe that taxpayers’ money should be spent on other important priorities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There is an ongoing debate regarding which public
services
Use synonyms
 should be prioritised to invest the government funds.
While
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 some people believe that more
money
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 should be spent on health care systems, others claim that it must be invested in other sectors,
such
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 as public transport facilities and
education
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. In my opinion, I strongly agree with both views , and authorities should balance their investments to improve the
overall
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access
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 to these
services
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. On the one hand, improving health care makes treatments easily affordable for people during critical times.
This
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 means that more investments in diagnosis, building new hospitals, and purchasing new medical equipment help improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
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public
access
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 to
such
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services
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.
Therefore
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, early diagnosis and treatment can be provided, which will increase the longevity of patients.
For example
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, in India, the government has increased their allocation of tax
money
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 on building new hospitals in order to provide efficient medical
services
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, which has significantly reduced the treatment wait times.
On the other hand
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, critics argue that the other public
services
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,
such
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 as reliable mass transit and
education
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, should be prioritised.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 traffic congestion is a major concern for many cities, which causes significant inconvenience for the community. By funding,
this
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 would improve the reliability and efficiency of
such
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 transits,
while
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 reducing the reliance on private cars.
Furthermore
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, certain schools in rural regions do not have
access
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 to the required resources and materials to teach
education
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 effectively.
This
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 development will provide a stable
education
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 system to children living in rural regions.
For instance
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, in many developing countries, policymakers are prioritising improvements on bus networks and schools, and,
as a result
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, they can prevent the urban sprawl from happening. In conclusion,
although
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 there are differing opinions on spending tax
money
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 for different public
services
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, I believe that it is the responsibility of governments to allocate funds equally to all important sectors to provide efficient
access
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 to people.
Therefore
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, in my opinion, a balanced approach should be maintained to prevent overallocation of
money
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 in certain sectors
such
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 as health care or transport, which will enhance the
overall
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 development of society.

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stance
Be clear in your view. State one main opinion in the intro and keep it in the body so the end is not hard to see.
style
Keep the language simple and short. Break long lines into small ones so the idea is easy to see.
cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. Start a new paragraph for a new idea and use 'also', 'but', 'however','and' to connect.
content
Give more precise facts for each point. Numbers, facts or clear examples make your point strong.
grammar
Check wording like 'By funding' and 'transits'. Use safe words that you are sure to spell well.
structure
Make sure the ending shows a clear plan or policy for the future. This helps the reader see the result you want.
content
The essay talks about both sides and uses a real world example (India).
structure
It uses clear link words like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' to show contrast.
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