IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

the amount of time spent on exercise and sport should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children. do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? what other solutions can you suggest?

The rise in childhood obesity has become a pressing public health concern, and increasing the amount of time allocated to
exercise
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 and sport in
schools
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 is often proposed as a solution.
While
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this
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 approach can play a valuable role, it is not, on its own, the most effective way to address the problem. A broader, more comprehensive strategy is required. There is no doubt that
schools
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 are well-placed to promote physical activity. By increasing time spent on sport and
exercise
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,
children
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 are encouraged to develop healthy habits early in life, improve cardiovascular fitness, and reduce sedentary behaviour associated with prolonged screen use.
Moreover
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, regular physical activity has additional benefits
such
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 as improved concentration, mental health, and social skills, which
further
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 justify its inclusion in the school curriculum.
However
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, focusing solely on
exercise
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 overlooks the primary cause of overweight
children
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: unhealthy diets. Even high levels of physical activity cannot fully compensate for excessive consumption of processed foods, sugary drinks, and high-calorie snacks. Many
children
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 develop poor eating habits at home, influenced by family lifestyles and aggressive marketing of unhealthy foods.
As a result
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, increasing school sports without addressing nutrition may have only a limited impact on obesity rates.
Therefore
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, other solutions must be implemented alongside increased physical education. One effective measure is improving food education, both in
schools
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 and at home. Teaching
children
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 about balanced diets, portion control, and the long-term consequences of poor nutrition can empower them to make healthier choices.
Additionally
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, governments can regulate the advertising of unhealthy foods to
children
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 and ensure that school cafeterias provide nutritious meals rather than processed alternatives. Parental involvement is
also
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 crucial, as parents largely control
children
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’s diets and daily routines. In conclusion,
while
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 increasing
exercise
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 and sport in
schools
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 is a positive and necessary step, it is not the best or only solution to childhood obesity. A combined approach that includes nutritional education, healthier food environments, and parental responsibility is far more likely to produce lasting results.

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task response
Be more direct in the first line of your essay. State your main point at once and restate it at the end.
coherence
Make idea flow clearer. Use linking words and keep a clear order from idea to idea.
vocabulary
Keep words simple and short. Use easy vocab and short sentences when you can.
strength
Strong view and balance
strength
Clear order and good link of ideas
strength
Good examples about diet and school role
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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