IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart and table below give information about exercise and absenteeism in two departments of a major company.

The chart and table below give information about exercise and absenteeism in two departments of a major company.
The bar chart presents the
hours
Use synonyms
 of
exercise
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
 taken by
employees
Use synonyms
 in 2
departments
Use synonyms
 of a company,
while
Linking Words
 the table shows the
days
Use synonyms
 of
absenteeism
Use synonyms
 for
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
employees
Use synonyms
 during a year.
Overall
Linking Words
, in
both
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
departments
Add a comma
departments,
show examples
 most people
exercise
Use synonyms
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 5 to 10
hours
Use synonyms
 weekly,
while
Linking Words
 the rate of people who
exercise
Use synonyms
 more than 15
hours
Use synonyms
 is the lowest. Regarding the
days
Use synonyms
 taken
of
Change preposition
off
show examples
 work
due to
Linking Words
 illness,
both
Use synonyms
departments
Use synonyms
 registered similar numbers for
absenteeism
Use synonyms
 of over 5
days
Use synonyms
 per year. Most
employees
Use synonyms
 of
both
Use synonyms
London
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
Brimingham
Correct your spelling
Birmingham
departments
Use synonyms
 choose to
exercise
Use synonyms
 between 5 and 10
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
, with a rate of around 50% each. The lowest rates are reported by people who
workout
Use the right word
work out
show examples
 more than 15
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
 per
week
Use synonyms
, with 15 % in
Use synonyms
Brimingham
Correct your spelling
Birmingham
 and under 10% in
London
Use synonyms
. The rate of
employees
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
 less than 5
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
 is about 35% in
London
Use synonyms
, which is much
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
higher
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 the one reported in
Use synonyms
Brimingham
Correct your spelling
Birmingham
, of 15%. In regard to the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
days
Use synonyms
 taken
of
Change preposition
off
show examples
 work,
Use synonyms
Brimingham
Correct your spelling
Birmingham
 department reported a much higher number of no
absenteeism
Use synonyms
 of 380
employees
Use synonyms
 per year, as compared to only 158 in
London
Use synonyms
. At the same time,
both
Use synonyms
department
Fix the agreement mistake
departments
show examples
 reported similar numbers for
employees
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 took time
of
Change preposition
off
show examples
 for more than 5
days
Use synonyms
. The highest number of
absenteeism
Use synonyms
 was registered in
London
Use synonyms
, with 594
employees
Use synonyms
 taking time
of
Change preposition
off
show examples
 for 1 to 5
days
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, exercise, week, employees, departments, days, absenteeism, both, london, brimingham with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: