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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message. (KLL)

Some
people
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 believe that
sales
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 companies should employ workers who are strongly motivated by
money
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 because they think
such
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people
Use synonyms
 will
work
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 harder. Others argue that
money
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 is not the only reason behind hard
work
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.
This
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 essay will discuss whether
money
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 is the main
motivation
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 and what factors should be considered when recruiting
sales
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 staff. On the one hand,
money
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 can be a strong driving force behind hard
work
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, especially in
sales
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 jobs. Employees who want to earn more
money
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 may try harder to achieve their targets and increase company profits. Commission-based salaries
also
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 encourage workers to improve their performance.
As a result
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,
people
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 who are motivated by financial rewards may be more active and competitive in
sales
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 positions.
On the other hand
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,
money
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 is not the only factor that motivates
people
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 to
work
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 hard. Some employees are driven by job satisfaction, personal interest, or opportunities for career growth. In
sales
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 positions, skills
such
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 as communication, patience, and confidence are
also
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 very important. A person who is only interested in
money
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 may not perform well if they lack these skills or lose
motivation
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 when results are slow. In my opinion,
while
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money
Use synonyms
 is an important
motivation
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, it should not be the only factor considered when hiring
sales
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 staff. Employers should
also
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 look at experience, personality, communication skills, and attitude toward teamwork. Choosing employees with a balance of
motivation
Use synonyms
 and ability will help companies achieve better long-term success.

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development
Add more facts or numbers to back up points, like how money can drive sales with more pay or how lack of pay can harm team work.
structure
Some ideas are good, but add a short final summary to lock the view.
coherence
Use more linking words to flow from one idea to next.
content
Explain how each point can help a company, not just people.
strength
Clear view on both sides of the topic.
structure
Good use of 'on the one hand / on the other hand' to show balance.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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