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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the number of three types of visitors to a museum between 1997 and 2012

The chart below shows the number of three types of visitors to a museum between 1997 and 2012
The graph illustrates the different types of
visitors
Use synonyms
 who visited a museum from 1997 to 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, the old group of spectators rose marginally by the ultimate year,
while
Linking Words
 other groups declined slightly. Adult
visitors
Use synonyms
 were dominant in terms of visiting
this
Linking Words
 area,
while
Linking Words
 old
people
Use synonyms
 actually visited quite rare to the museum
.
Rephrase
quite rarely.
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Additionally
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
 rose dramatically by 2007. In 1997, the total
number
Use synonyms
 of guests accounted for 448
thousand
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 in detail, adults made up roughly 300
thousand
Use synonyms
, whilst the teenage group was significantly low, constituting 120
thousand
Use synonyms
, and old
people
Use synonyms
 were 28
thousand
Use synonyms
. After 5 years, the
overall
Linking Words
number
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
 highlighted an unremarkable decline to 441
thousand
Use synonyms
. Adolescents had a little growth to 302
thousand
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 teens declined by 10
thousand
Use synonyms
, resulting in 110
thousand
Use synonyms
. Plus, old
people
Use synonyms
 ascended to 2
thousand
Use synonyms
, roughly 29,2
thousand
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
year
Correct article usage
the year
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 2007 was the peak year. The
number
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
 attracted by
museum
Correct article usage
the museum
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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and it
grew
Wrong verb form
grown
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 significantly to 400
thousand
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 teenagers still kept descending, and it made up 87
thousand
Use synonyms
. With a 50
thousand
Use synonyms
 difference, old
people
Use synonyms
 made up 37
thousand
Use synonyms
. Ultimately, in 2012, the total
number
Use synonyms
 declined to 504
thousand
Use synonyms
, adults and young
people
Use synonyms
 dropped to 380thousand and 82
thousand
Use synonyms
, respectively. Old
people
Use synonyms
 made up 42
thousand
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words visitors, people, number, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "roughly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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