IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food to student, do you agree or disagree?

These days, many schools have started selling fast
food
Use synonyms
 as an alternative to traditional ones.
While
Linking Words
 it is logical that the result may be highly profitable, I disagree that it may have debilitative effects on the
overall
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 of students.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the following topic and give reasons to support the claim. First and foremost, unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 hurts
overall
Linking Words
 well-being. Fast
food
Use synonyms
 contains a plethora of carbohydrates and sugar
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can contribute to major
health
Use synonyms
 diseases
such
Linking Words
 as obesity or heart attack.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the quality of the ingredients does not always meet the standard of
food
Use synonyms
 safety, and in some cases, it is not checked for consumption by experts, which ends up on our plates as many types of fast
food
Use synonyms
 that can lead to
food
Use synonyms
 poisoning.
Therefore
Linking Words
, selling these kinds of
food
Use synonyms
 can pose a risk to their physical
health
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the aforementioned trend can undermine the reliability of the relationship between schools and students.
This
Linking Words
 is because
school
Use synonyms
 is a place where teenagers study and accumulate knowledge from teachers
as well as
Linking Words
school
Use synonyms
 staff;
moreover
Linking Words
, it is
also
Linking Words
 where they are guided to understand the principles of nutritious diets. If they are fed with snacks and high-calorie
food
Use synonyms
, it will not meet their parents' expectations at all, as schools put profit before students' nourishment.
For example
Linking Words
, parents will restrain their child from eating in
school
Use synonyms
 and may doubt the quality and accreditation of that
school
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, the disadvantages of introducing fast
food
Use synonyms
 as a replacement outweigh its
advantages
Punctuation problem
advantages,
show examples
 given the direct consequences to
health
Use synonyms
 problems and the credibility of the regime.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your answer has a clear view, but you need more strong examples and clear proof for your points. Add short and simple facts or daily ideas to back what you say.
coherence
Link ideas more clearly. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence and use simple join words like and, but, so, however, also to show how ideas go together.
coherence
Give more detail to each point. Explain how fast food hurts health and how it can shake how pupils see their school. Use small, real life examples for each point.
lexical
Try to use only plain words. Avoid rare or long words. Keep to common words so readers can follow your point easily.
purpose
The essay states your view in the opening, which helps readers know your position.
structure
There is a closing paragraph that sums up your view.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: