IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People who do not know how to use computer will become more and more disadvantaged. State the disadvantages and what action governments should take.

In recent years,many
people
Use synonyms
 who do not know how to
use
Use synonyms
 new technology will face a large number of troubles.In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss
disadvantaged
Correct article usage
the disadvantaged
show examples
 and what the
government
Use synonyms
 should do. On the one hand,nowadays society has begun to place all its responsibilities on the
computer
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because modern life requires to
use
Use synonyms
computers
Change preposition
of computers
show examples
 and phones everywhere.
For example
Linking Words
,in companies, schools and even if
people
Use synonyms
 want to book
appointment
Correct article usage
an appointment
show examples
 in the hospital,which
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 become more modern and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been updated with many things to make it easier.
Therefore
Linking Words
,if there are some
people
Use synonyms
 who do not know how to
use
Use synonyms
 the
computer
Use synonyms
, they will be in serious
problems
Check wording
trouble
show examples
.
Such
Linking Words
 as, they cannot continue their work if teachers ask them to send the assignment to the website , and if one of them is sick will stay in the hospital long time than
people
Use synonyms
 who booked an appointment online.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should make awareness campaigns to learning
people
Use synonyms
 who do not know how to
use
Use synonyms
 new technology.Because the
government
Use synonyms
 can afford all
resources
Correct article usage
the resources
show examples
 to make advertisements and campaigns.
In addition
Linking Words
,most of the old
people
Use synonyms
 and children do not have someone to guide them and learned them what the consequences are if they cannot
use
Use synonyms
 a
computer
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should create free courses to protect these
people
Use synonyms
 from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
possible hard situations.
Also
Linking Words
,some developing countries have a fantastic department to help
these
Change preposition
with these
show examples
 kinds of challenges.
However
Linking Words
,with the productive system, many
people
Use synonyms
 may benefit In conclusion,
nowadays
Punctuation problem
nowadays,
show examples
 many
people
Use synonyms
 try to follow the trend to avoid experiencing dangerous situations.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
the
government
Use synonyms
 can be aware of these
people
Use synonyms
 by creating a learning system of new technology and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Plan a clear view: state the main disadvantages first, then the actions governments should take, with a new paragraph for each idea.
language
Use short, simple sentences and proper punctuation to avoid long run‑on ideas.
content
Add more concrete examples of the bad effects and of the actions (elderly people, people in farms, schools, hospitals).
cohesion
Use linking words to show order and links (Firstly, Secondly, In addition, However) to make the text smoother.
grammar
Check grammar: fix errors such as subject-verb set and article use; avoid awkward phrases like 'disadvantaged' vs 'disadvantages'.
structure
The essay shows the topic and the problem of not using tech.
cohesion
There is a good try to use 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' to compare ideas.
content
The writer gives a plan for action, like free courses.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: