IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

There is no denying the fact that using mobile devices is a crucial way to communicate with other people. It is a commonly held belief that more and more
children
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 spend most of their
time
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 on smartphones.
This
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 essay will discuss why
this
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 is happening and provide a clear view of whether
this
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 trend is
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 or negative development.
To begin
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 with, there are many reasons why
children
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 spend a considerable amount of
time
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 on their phones. One of the major reasons is that there are many members of society who are under eighteen years of age who want to use social media.
In other words
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, using social media platforms,
such
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 as Snapchat and Instagram, would allow easier communication with their friends.
In addition
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, a huge number of
children
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 use their phones as a source of entertainment.
For example
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, recent studies have shown that a large percentage of teenagers spend a substantial amount of
time
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 playing video games,
such
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 as Call of Duty and PUBG. In terms of the negative outcomes
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are greater than the positives,
children
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's communication skills in real life are declining over
time
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. It is
also
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 possible to say that when a young individual communicates frequently in the virtual world rather than face-to-face interaction, his social skills, like talking to his parents, will decrease over
time
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.
Moreover
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, identity theft is one of the common ways
for
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of
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 stealing personal information through the internet.
For instance
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, some countries like Australia have been setting restrictions on using smartphones, especially for individuals who are under the age of 18, which is to prevent identity theft. In conclusion, there are many reasons why
children
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 should not be allowed to use smartphones, which contribute to a substantial decrease in their mental well-being.

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structure
Make your main view clear in the intro and restate it in the final paragraph.
content
Give both sides. The essay talks only about the bad side. Include a balance.
organization
Use a clear topic sentence for each paragraph to show one idea.
content
Add more exact examples and explain how they show the point.
grammar
Check grammar and use pronouns well, like 'their' not 'his'.
lexis
Use simple words and avoid long or rare words.
coherence
Link ideas with linking words like 'also', 'but', 'however'.
tone
Avoid big claims without a proof.
structure
The essay has an easy feel with a good intro and conclusion.
coherence
Some linking phrases show how ideas fit together.
content
Examples about social media and games are on topic.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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