IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that computer games should be banned because they have a number of disadvantages. Others thinks they have a lot of advantages. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

Few masses opine that
games
Use synonyms
 on
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 should be disabled
due to
Linking Words
 a lot of demerits.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
 individuals believe
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
it's
Verb problem
it has
show examples
 have number of merits. I think
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
get
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 multifarious
Use synonyms
health related
Use the right word
health-related
show examples
 problems like eyesight, obesity and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
. Yet,
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 helps
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in relaxation
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 problem
solving
Use the right word
problem-solving
show examples
. These points I gonna discuss in the upcoming paragraphs. On the one side, masses can get
health
Use synonyms
 issues, like eyesight and obesity
by
Punctuation problem
, by
show examples
 spending
to
Use the right word
too
show examples
 much time on
games
Use synonyms
. To justify it more, when they play
games
Use synonyms
 they get addicted
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 to spend
there
Rephrase
apply
show examples
a lot of time in front of
screen
Correct article usage
the screen
show examples
 through sitting
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 one place,
instead
Linking Words
 of their study.
Hence
Linking Words
,
it's
Verb problem
it
show examples
 directly
effects
Use the right word
affects
show examples
 their eyes and they
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 getting
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 in which
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can
indulge
Verb problem
lead
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 various
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
For example
Linking Words
, in
India
Punctuation problem
India,
show examples
 almost 69% of
people
Use synonyms
 visit
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a doctor for their eye treatment
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 49%
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 them are
effected
Use the right word
affected
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 screening.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can get
life long
Use the right word
lifelong
show examples
 problems just because of
games
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
computer
Use synonyms
 gaming is
also
Linking Words
 beneficial if
people
Use synonyms
 play rules
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
under some conditions. To elaborate it more,
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can learn
problem solving
Use the right word
problem-solving
show examples
 skills and how to think quickly.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
 is very useful for everyone. Once they learn these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
skills
Punctuation problem
skills,
show examples
 they can grow in their life and they might be successful.
For instance
Linking Words
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
genius
Use the right word
geniuses
show examples
 who invent new things they were prefer to spend their quality
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time in front of
screen
Correct article usage
a screen
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are not good enough in their
acedemic
Correct your spelling
academic
 study still they can
do
Rephrase
still do
show examples
 something if
use
Correct pronoun usage
they use
show examples
play
Verb problem
apply
show examples
useful
games
Use synonyms
 like, from where they educate themselves. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
get to
Verb problem
have
show examples
 many disadvantages for
people
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
health
Use synonyms
 disabilities, yet, they
have
Rephrase
also have
show examples
chance
Correct article usage
the chance
show examples
 to learn something if they play
games
Use synonyms
 wisely.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Fix grammar and spell more. Use clear and short sentences.
coherence
Make the idea in each paragraph clear with a topic sentence.
content
Add more strong and true examples, not only numbers that may be wrong.
structure
Keep a fair view of both sides and give your own clear opinion.
coherence
Check punctuation and use linking words to show order of ideas.
task response
The essay shows an attempt to discuss both sides.
structure
Conclusion states a view.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ban
  • advantage
  • disadvantage
  • time
  • spend
  • health
  • sleep
  • eyes
  • money
  • habit
  • problem
  • study
  • school
  • learning
  • skill
  • thinking
  • quick thinking
  • problem solving
  • teamwork
  • friends
  • family
  • control
  • limit
  • rule
  • moderate
  • balance
  • guidance
  • parents
  • choice
  • education
  • games
  • computer
  • video games
  • practice
  • enjoyment
  • design
  • content
  • age
  • play together
What to do next:
Look at other essays: