IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is difficult for both poor and rich to accessible in univerity. do you agree or disagree ?

There is an interesting opinion that going to university is hard for both wealthy and needy
people
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.
This
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 is mainly because tertiary
tuition
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 tends to be more and more expensive. From my perspective, I totally disagree that socio-economic
status
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 does not impact both poor and rich
people
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 since wealthy
people
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 can access private extracuriccular activity and the
tuition
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 is not a burden for them. At
first,
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high-income
Correct article usage
the high-income
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group
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 has a number of access to extra curicculum activity, which leads to higher competitiveness among candidates who want to enter the same university.
This
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 benefits them from their school achievement,
hence
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, they would get better
score
Check wording
scores
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 to enrol in tertiary
education
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 than
low-income
Correct article usage
the low-income
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group
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.
As a result
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,
economic
Correct article usage
the economic
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status
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 of
family
Correct article usage
the family
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 largely impacts their children's
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education
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apply
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college entrance rate.
For example
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, in South Korea, students who are from
high-income
Correct article usage
the high-income
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group
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 tend to go to better reputated universities,
while
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 students from
low
Correct article usage
the low
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 socio-economic class struggle from enroling in
reputated
Replace the word
reputable
universities
Punctuation problem
universities,
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 as wealthy
people
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 can provide better study environments since their children are young
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 English, Mathmatics and science,
while
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 the other
group
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 are not able to support their kids largely
due to
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 their
economy
Replace the word
economic
status
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
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,
tuition
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 could be a burden for
low-income
Correct article usage
the low-income
show examples
group
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.
For example
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,
people
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 who live paycheck to paycheck do not have enough
saving
Replace the word
savings
 to pay
tertiary
Change preposition
for tertiary
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education
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. Economic
status
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 has a large negative influence on affordability
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 they do not have money even to survive. So
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
tuition
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 could not be affordable for many low-income
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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. What is more,
they
Correct pronoun usage
those
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 who have financial hardships should think about opportunity cost, meaning that
people
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 have to choose
job
Correct article usage
a job
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 to make money after mandatory
education
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.
To conclude
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, as explained above, I personally believe that economic
status
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 largely influences poor
people
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 rather than rich
people
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 since
tuition
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 could be too expensive for the first
group
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 and there are more chances to access extra curicculum activity for rich
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main answer more direct. Say clearly in the first part that you disagree, and keep this idea the same all through the essay.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more. Some points are good, but a few parts are not fully clear, like why rich students get in more easily.
task response
Use examples with simple and clear links to your point. Your South Korea example is useful, but it is too long and a bit hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body part. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use short linking words clearly, like first, also, for example, and in conclusion. Do not make very long sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection. Some sentences do not join well, so your meaning becomes weak.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
task response
You use a real example to support your idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are in a logical order.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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