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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that museums should educate children, others think museums should entertain children instead. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, few people believe that it is important for
museums
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 to give knowledge to kids,
while
Linking Words
 others think that
museums
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 are the places where
children
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 should spend their time with joy and entertainment. Before giving my own opinion, I will discuss
both
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 views. On the one hand,
while
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museums
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 provide
children
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 with diverse information about past and present lives, they
also
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 play a crucial role in forming
children
Use synonyms
’s perspectives. Visiting
museums
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 for the young generation is not only a way to be shown some exhibits, but it isalso anew way of learning. As we all know museum curator shares specific data about each artifact and by doing so,
children
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 tend to listen and receive more information about it
,
Punctuation problem
. This
show examples
this
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 shows that youth are able to learn something in a more effective and simple approach.
For example
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, as we live in the modern world, there are a large number of
museums
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 with
both
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 modern and past collection artefacts where
children
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 are given a good choice of comprehending certain data weather it is related to history or even the virtual world.
On the other hand
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, we are living in 21 century , by being fed up with
both
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 education and work
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 results in fatigue. Young individuals have a busy schedule by going to school, doing some extracurricular activities , and others, and at
this
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 moment,
museums
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 may have a good impact to act as a place for entertainment. If
children
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 lose their motivation to study and to go to school , they can actually visit some
museums
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 near their hometown with their group of friends, which helps them escape the hustle and bustle of everyday life. As an example, I will present one museum located in my country, named “Aila” , that encourages its visitors with its atmosphere that attracts each kid to have a look and to enjoy their time there. In conclusion, I believe that it is more useful and beneficial when
museums
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 contain mixed features for visitors,
both
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 entertaining and educational facilities, which encourage more youngsters to spend their time efficiently.

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task response
For task response, you answer both views and give your opinion, so this is good. But some ideas are not fully clear. Try to explain each main idea more directly.
task response
For task response, your examples are a bit general. Add one clear and real example for each side to make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear intro, two body parts, and a conclusion. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Use shorter sentences and clearer links like first, also, for example, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make sure one idea leads clearly to the next one. In some places, the meaning jumps too fast.
task response
You discuss both sides and you give your own view in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a full structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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