IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that museums should educate children, others think museums should entertain children instead. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

Some individuals admit that
museums
Use synonyms
 should function only in educational terms for teens,
whereas
Linking Words
 others believe that
museums
Use synonyms
 should entertain them
instead
Linking Words
. From my perspective, completely immersing
museums
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 educational system repulses youth from
itself
Fix the agreement mistake
themselves
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
,
museums
Use synonyms
 should not lose
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 primary goal to spread knowledge. Turning repositories into study
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 might deter
people
Use synonyms
 from visiting the site, especially young generations who are accustomed to
high
Rephrase
highly
show examples
 dynamic and
dopamine full
Replace the word
dopamine-filled
 activities.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of humans consider studying as a determination, even though it was their desire to gain knowledge, which is the main factor why
people
Use synonyms
 are not able to enjoy study sessions.
Therefore
Linking Words
, turning
museums
Use synonyms
 fully into an academic institution discourages
people
Use synonyms
 from attending
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
museum tours.
By contrast
Linking Words
, making repositories to only function
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 entertaining purposes is not a fruitful idea
too
Rephrase
either
show examples
. Changing
museums
Use synonyms
 into amusing infrastructures will deprive the original atmosphere that
museums
Use synonyms
 provide. The peaceful environments will be replaced with loud noise
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 not considering the history in an appropriate way leads to the loss of the long-sought-after philosophy behind them. From my perspective,
nor
Correct word choice
neither
show examples
 putting
museums
Use synonyms
 into
complete
Correct article usage
a complete
show examples
 educational path
and neither
Correct word choice
nor
show examples
 transforming them into entertaining figures is a logical choice. Keeping a balance between is the greatest solution, in which
people
Use synonyms
 do not get bored,
simultaneously
Correct word choice
while simultaneously
show examples
 receiving knowledge. The best example for
this
Linking Words
 is
well-known
Correct article usage
the well-known
show examples
Use synonyms
museums
Check wording
Louvre museum
show examples
 in France called “Louvre”,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 perfect fusion of engagement and
educational
Replace the word
education
, which can be proved by the fame it gained. In conclusion,
museums
Use synonyms
 should not follow the suggestions of
neither
Rewrite the sentence
either
show examples
 group of
people
Use synonyms
, turning it completely to educational institution or entertaining figure will just put another stain
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their reputation. In my opinion, just following the original traditions, which is educational,
still
Verb problem
is still
show examples
staying
Verb problem
apply
show examples
engaging.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more clear way. Say what each side thinks, then give your own view in a direct sentence.
task response
Your opinion is there, but it changes a little. Keep one clear view from start to end.
task response
Add one more real and clear example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences more simple and direct. This will help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is weak or wrong. Use easy links like 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are hard to understand. Use shorter sentences and simpler word order.
task response
You discuss both views and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
The main idea of balance in museums is clear.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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