IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The personal information of many people is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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Individual material of the majority of customers is organised by huge network businesses and organisations.Collecting
data
Use synonyms
 into one place and storing it will help companies manage meritial and all the
data
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 can be filtered to eliminate the harmful
data
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.
Likewise
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, if there are any problems with security accounts, the individuals can lose their assets and punctuality. On the one hand, large technology corporations tend to keep a
lot
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 of user accounts to control and organise them.
For example
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, when using dating apps, you will see a
lot
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 of offers of the
users
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 who are living near or have the same hobby as you.
It is clear that
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 the company uses their authority to navigate your
data
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.
Secondly
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, the harmful report can be deleted by the owner to protect the user.
For instance
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, when your laptop is attacked by a virus, the app manager will help the user to kill or remove it.
Therefore
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,
users
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 applicatons can be safer if the host helps you protect them. Not only that, but hackers can not steal your material because the firewalls of huge businesses will prevent them.
On the other hand
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, people's
data
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 can be leaked by mistake or by intention when the host stores a
lot
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 of profiles .
For example
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, the staff of an internet company leaked the sensitive clip of a famous singer because he is her anti-fan.
Moreover
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, a hacker can use the personal banking of an individual who has been hacked to steal all the money they have.
Therefore
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, personal information can be threatened by guarantee problems to draw the
users
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 to difficuft situation. In conclusion, the personal
data
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 of citizens is controlled by big network corporations and organisations. It helps companies manage material easily and secure the
users
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 from leaking
data
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.
In contrast
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,
users
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 infomation can be revealed and threaten the security reasons. Personal materials , which are kept by network corporations, bring a
lot
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 of benefits to the
users
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 more than their drawbacks.

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly from the start. Say if the good side is greater than the bad side, and keep this view all through the essay.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. Some points are too short or not very clear, so the reader cannot fully see your meaning.
task response
Use examples that are more direct and more real. Some examples do not clearly show how data storage helps or harms people.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences clearer. Start each body paragraph with one simple main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences jump from one point to another without a clear step.
coherence and cohesion
Check if each sentence supports the main point of the paragraph. A few ideas do not fit well or are hard to connect.
task response
You answered both sides of the question and gave your opinion in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words like 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'Therefore'.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Efficiency
  • Personalized content
  • Fostering global communication
  • Innovation
  • Big data
  • Privacy concerns
  • Data breaches
  • Vulnerability
  • Surveillance
  • Autonomy
  • Misinformation
  • Manipulation
  • Tailored experiences
  • Data aggregation
  • Public opinion
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