IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In recent years, many people have adopted a minimalist, choosing to own only essential possessions. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this way of living?

In today's society,
people
Use synonyms
 are living very fast lives. Everyone is so busy and has no time for their hobbies or
thighs
Use the right word
things
show examples
 that they actually like. We are used to the internet and interactions online
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 we spend less time thinking about what is going on around us and start following very similar fast
fashions
Check wording
fashion
show examples
. So today
I
Punctuation problem
, I
show examples
will present to you how
this
Linking Words
minimalistic
Use synonyms
 fashion can affect us.
Firstly
Linking Words
, I would like to start by stating the benefits of
Use synonyms
minimalistic
Correct article usage
a minimalistic
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 new fashion
that is
Linking Words
 going on on the internet is
minimalistic
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it states that living with
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
things
Use synonyms
 is better. Well, I can see their point of view, because in today's world, we have so many options
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
obviously
Punctuation problem
obviously,
show examples
 we can’t have everything. So
this
Linking Words
 fashion is helping us to control our
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 and live a more comfortable life without
things
Use synonyms
 that we
don’t
Use synonyms
 need. Just like cushions, vases, clothes and furniture – all of these
things
Use synonyms
 and a lot more we
don’t
Use synonyms
 really need
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 minimalism helps us to understand what we really should keep in our living spaces.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 might have a negative impact on our mental health.
For example
Linking Words
, if in
minimalistic
Use synonyms
 spaces we
don’t
Use synonyms
 have the
things
Use synonyms
 that we feel connected to, how can
people
Use synonyms
 feel safe in their own homes? In that
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 we can’t relax in our living spaces
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 a lot of us start to feel disconnected and tired. By following influencers, we lose our ability to think differently and start trying to make our homes look similar to theirs. By doing that,
people
Use synonyms
 start losing their individuality. In conclusion, even if a
minimalistic
Use synonyms
lifestyle
Use synonyms
is helping
Wrong verb form
helps
show examples
 us not to collect the
things
Use synonyms
 that we
don’t
Use synonyms
 actually need, it
also
Linking Words
 might have a negative impact on our minds. Without
things
Use synonyms
 that we love,
people
Use synonyms
 start to feel disconnected and lonely. They lose their individuality and just follow other fast fashions.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both sides more directly. Write clearly about the good points and the bad points of this way of life, not mostly about online trends.
task response
Make your main idea clear in each body paragraph. Start with one simple topic sentence, then explain it, then give one clear example.
task response
Use more specific examples. For example, say how owning fewer things can save money, save time, or make cleaning easier.
task response
Keep your ideas closer to the topic. Some parts about internet life and fast fashion are not fully needed for this question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way. Use clear words like First, Also, However, and In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some points need more support. After each main point, add one or two sentences to explain why it is true.
coherence and cohesion
Stay with one focus in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from busy life to internet trends to minimalism, so it feels a bit wide.
task response
You answered the question and wrote about both advantages and disadvantages.
task response
Your conclusion matches your main ideas and gives a clear final view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow overall because the paragraphs are in a logical order.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words like Firstly, On the other hand, and In conclusion.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: