IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is indeed true that in the modern world most
students
Use synonyms
 have
mobile
Correct article usage
a mobile
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 phone. Even though children spend their whole day with mobile phones.
However
Linking Words
,
according to
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 my mindset, I think
this
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 is not a positive tendency. So
this
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 essay will discuss them in detail with a summary. First of all, children who use smartphones become acadamicaly fail because
of
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 do not having ecational knowledge. The major reason for
that is
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those pupil have not
Correct word order
that pupils do not have
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 enough time
study
Verb problem
to study
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 their subjects because of mobile phones.
As a
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result
Add a comma
result,
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 most
of
Change preposition
apply
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students
Use synonyms
 did not pass their grades
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they
fail
Wrong verb form
failed
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 in all the exams. Because of low knowledge. Even though
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 are not
educate well
Replace the word
well-educated
they
Punctuation problem
, they
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 can not find good jobs at high
salary
Check wording
salaries
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.
For instance
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, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 play mobile games
by
Change preposition
on
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 tablets and phones they do not try to
stduy
Correct your spelling
study
.
So
Punctuation problem
So,
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students
Use synonyms
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
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 not pay attention to education
, they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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 destroy their life journey.
Secondly
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, some undergraduates behave improperly in society because of sharing bad things
through
Change preposition
on
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 social media.
This
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mainly
Verb problem
is mainly
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due to
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that
Check wording
the fact that
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 children share negative posts
through the
Change preposition
on
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 social media. It
is gain
Verb problem
causes
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 huge harm to the scoiety.
Consequently
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, most of the
students
Use synonyms
damge to
Verb problem
damage
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 their own
ersonal
Use the right word
personal
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 status by sharing those unwanted posts and reels.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
show examples
 of youngersters waste their time by creating unwanted posts and videos to share
facebook
Change preposition
on Facebook
show examples
, instagram and
tiktok
Fix capitalization
TikTok
show examples
. To put
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 a nutshell, there is
major
Correct article usage
a major
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 effect
for
Change preposition
on
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students
Use synonyms
 when they use mobiloe phone at all times. since
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 they fail in school and campus exams
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they survive badly in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly: why children use phones, and why it is bad.
task response
Add one clear reason for phone use, such as games, videos, or parents giving phones.
task response
Use simple examples that directly match your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make one main idea in each body paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with easy words like first, also, because, so, and in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence follows the last one in a clear way.
task response
You gave a clear opinion that this is a negative development.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You tried to use examples about school and social media.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: