IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
One of the consequences of improved medical
care
Use synonyms
 is that
people
Use synonyms
 are living longer
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. One of the main priorities of countries is
provide
Verb problem
to provide
show examples
sitizens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 with modern medical facilities.
Improved
Correct article usage
An improved
show examples
 medical
care
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
 can cause
to
Correct determiner usage
an
show examples
 increase
individuals’
Change preposition
in individuals’
show examples
 longevity and
overall
Linking Words
 quality of life. I believe that the benefits of
this
Linking Words
 advancement can
outweight
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
 the disadvantages
causing
Punctuation problem
, causing
show examples
 prosperity of governments in the long run. Without a doubt, medical
care
Use synonyms
 plays an crutial role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both governmments technological advancement and
people
Use synonyms
’s health improvements
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as longevity
all
Punctuation problem
, all
show examples
 over the world. If
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 devote substential
money
Use synonyms
 to enhance
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
system
Use synonyms
throughout
Change preposition
by
show examples
 implementing cutting-edge technologies and
also
Linking Words
 employing experts
such
Linking Words
 as scientists and doctors,
people
Use synonyms
 are less likely to go abroad that medical developed and cheaper country
thereby
Punctuation problem
, thereby
show examples
 flowing finance to another country.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can lead to increasing job
opportnities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
, flowing patients from a foreign
contry
Correct your spelling
country
 and technological
advancements
Punctuation problem
advancements,
show examples
 all of which can lead to rising the government’s budget. A case in point is my country
Uzbekistan
Punctuation problem
, Uzbekistan
show examples
, where
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 individuals take into consideration
to improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 medicine by importing cutting-edge technologies and creating well-paid job opportunities for experts.
Moreover
Linking Words
, all these factors can contribute
increasing
Change preposition
to increasing
show examples
 life expectancy and
resulting
Wrong verb form
result in
show examples
people
Use synonyms
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 longer
ages
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, developing
health
Correct article usage
a health
show examples
care
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
 requires significant
money
Use synonyms
 from the government’s budget. There are
onother
Correct your spelling
other
 priorities of
them
Correct pronoun usage
theirs
show examples
 that should be taken into account
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as military and school education. When governments focus on
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
improving
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
system
Use synonyms
, they need to spend more
money
Use synonyms
 on it, which can strain the budget. From
practical
Correct article usage
a practical
show examples
 point of view, there are
another
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
 methods to increase longevity
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 example, sport and healthy eating habits. If
people
Use synonyms
 spend their leisure time on
active
Correct article usage
an active
show examples
 lifestyle
instead
Linking Words
 of
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle, they can boost their immune
system
Use synonyms
 effectively
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 much so that they are less likely to catch chronic illness.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 healthcare advancements can cause spending
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
among
Check wording
amount
show examples
 of
money
Use synonyms
, I believe that
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 outweigh the drawbacks
leading
Punctuation problem
, leading
show examples
 to technological improvements and creating job opportunities.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the main question more clearly in each body part. Say why the good side is stronger than the bad side.
task response
Give more direct support for your ideas. Some points are too general and need a clear reason or result.
task response
Use one or two simple and clear examples. Your example about Uzbekistan is good, but explain it more simply.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, because, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Make them shorter and clearer.
task response
You answer both sides and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use an example from your country, which helps your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: