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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts illustrate the number of participants in the Olympic Games from 1924 to 2012, including a comparison between male and female athletes.

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Introduction the bar chart and line graph illustrate the
number
Use synonyms
 of male and female
participants
Use synonyms
 in the
Olympics
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 and
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
participants
Use synonyms
 between 1924 and 2012 Overview
Linking Words
it
Punctuation problem
, it
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 is clear that the
number
Use synonyms
 of
participants
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 increased significantly over time
,
Punctuation problem
. Men
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man
Use synonyms
 were the majority in all years
Punctuation problem
. Moreover, Olympic
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moreover
Linking Words
Olympics
Use synonyms
 men accounted for the
larges
Correct your spelling
largest
 proportion of
participants
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 in the
Olympic's
Punctuation problem
Olympics. Women
show examples
women
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 accounted for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
smaller proportion of
participants
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 in the
Olympics
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Punctuation problem
. In
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in addition
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
,
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while
Linking Words
 the
number
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 of
women
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 rose sharply, the total
number
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 of
participants
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 showed a steady upward trend In 1924 , around 3,000
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man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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 took part in the
Olympics
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,
while
Linking Words
 the
number
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 of
women
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 was very low at under 100. By 1952 ,
Use synonyms
man
Check wording
the number of male
show examples
participants
Use synonyms
was
Wrong verb form
had
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 increased
approximately
Change preposition
to approximately
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 4,500
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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women
Use synonyms
's
participants
Use synonyms
 was about 500.
in
Fix capitalization
In
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 1984,
mans
Check wording
the number of
show examples
participants
Use synonyms
 was increased significantly roughly 5,100
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
; however
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 , the
number
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 of
women
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 did not
increase
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 sufficiently
Punctuation problem
, with 1,200. In
show examples
women
Use synonyms
's
participants
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 was 1200 but in
2012
Punctuation problem
2012,
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 the
number
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 of
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man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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 and woman
increase
Use synonyms
 sufficiently mans was approximently 6, 000 , womans
participants
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was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 around 4,500 Turning to the total
number
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 of
participants
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 , it rose steadily throughout the period
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 In 1924 ,
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
Use synonyms
participants
Check wording
number of participants
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 was about 2,100
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 in 1952,
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Use synonyms
number
Correct word choice
total number
show examples
 4,500 was total
participants
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 In 1984, the total
number
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 of
participants
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 was 6,100. In
2012
Punctuation problem
2012,
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 the total
number
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 of
participants
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 was
increase
Use synonyms
 very
increase
Use synonyms
 approximently 10,000

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, participants, olympics, man, women, increase with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrate" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 11 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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