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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Some individuals believe that
competition
Use synonyms
 is essential in their daily lives, education and employment,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
with
Change preposition
competition
show examples
can have
benefits
Correct word choice
more benefits
show examples
 than
Use synonyms
competition
Check wording
drawbacks
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.
Although
Linking Words
people
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 can improve their
level
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 with more
competition
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, they can make many relationships in their
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
;
therefore
Linking Words
, it can help to reduce working stress. I believe we have benefits working with
competition
Use synonyms
 rather than cooperation.
Body · 1
On the one hand, technology
Verb problem
has
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been growing rapidly, so
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people's
Check wording
people
show examples
have more advanced
than
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technology than
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 in the past.
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
to
Fix capitalization
To
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 achieve requirements,
people
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 need
proper
Correct article usage
a proper
show examples
level
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, so
people
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 can
succeed
Verb problem
improve
show examples
 their lives and improve
Correct word order
their work level
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level
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 working .
Moreover
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, students who want to get a good exam result can work against
, and
Correct pronoun usage
it, and
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 that can help achieve higher results.
For instance
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, my university friend, who worked competitively and without other things,
finally
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 passed with
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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 GPA, which helped him to apply master's degree.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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, if
people
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 can work in their office with good
, it
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conditions, it
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 will reduce
people
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's mental stress so that
people
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 can work efficiently;
consequently
Linking Words
, it would improve the profit of
company
Correct article usage
the company
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.
In addition
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, when we have good relationships with
people
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, it can improve our
socializing
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socialising
show examples
 skills, which many
people
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not
Verb problem
do not
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 have today.
For example
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, Japanese scientists, who researched
people
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's traits, have identified
working
Correct word choice
that working
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 cooperation can improve our image in society.
Conclusion
In conclusion, even though
people
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 can improve their
level
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 and
higher
Verb problem
achieve higher
show examples
 educational achievements
working with
Change preposition
through
show examples
competition
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, I believe
if
Correct word choice
that if
show examples
 we can improve our
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
, it will obviously increase our image in society,and
people
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 can reduce their
level
Use synonyms
 with good relationships.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Say why competition is good and why cooperation is good in a simple way.
task response
Make your opinion clear from the start and keep the same view in all parts.
task response
Use main ideas that are easy to understand. Some ideas are hard to follow because many key words are missing.
task response
Give examples with clear detail. Your friend example is good, but the science example needs more clear facts.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words in a simple and correct way, like first, also, however, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. Some sentences do not connect well, so the reader must guess your meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and then support it with one or two clear points.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You used a clear essay shape with introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You tried to use examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion links back to your main opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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