IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some think parents should control screen time, while others say children should decide. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Many believe parents should be in
control
Use synonyms
 of the
time
Use synonyms
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 on technological devices
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 some think
it
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
it is for
children
Use synonyms
 to decide. Guidance
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more experienced and knows the consequences of
this
Linking Words
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
; however
show examples
however
Punctuation problem
however,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
knows
Correct subject-verb agreement
know
show examples
 little or
non
Replace the word
nothing
 but to simply
engaged
Wrong verb form
engage
show examples
 in what interests them. Which I opine
babies
Correct word choice
that babies
show examples
 should be left alone to do their thing.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the experienced ones understand that screen
time
Use synonyms
 affects the
sigh
Use the right word
sight
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
, they become
over protective
Correct your spelling
overprotective
 of the little ones
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
while
Correct word choice
which
show examples
this
Linking Words
 doesn't just make the child fearful
it
Correct word choice
, but
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also
Linking Words
hurdle
Correct subject-verb agreement
hinders
show examples
 them
to explore
Change preposition
from exploring
show examples
 and
see to
Wrong verb form
seeing
show examples
 what
interest
Correct subject-verb agreement
interests
show examples
 them the most.
For instance
Linking Words
, recent research in Nigeria about causes of myopia in
children
Use synonyms
 69% come down with
this
Linking Words
 condition
due to
Linking Words
 how much
time
Use synonyms
 they spend on their devices.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, leaving the young ones to be in
control
Use synonyms
 of what interests them
build
Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
show examples
 their
self esteem
Correct your spelling
self-esteem
 at
tender
Correct article usage
a tender
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 age. Moreso,they begin to build their confidence at handling things at
this
Linking Words
 level, most of them
detests
Correct subject-verb agreement
detest
show examples
 being overly
ontrolled
Correct your spelling
controlled
 and adults telling them what to do.
For example
Linking Words
, Erickerickson psycho analytical theory talks about autonomy versus shame and doubt.
That is
Linking Words
, when
children
Use synonyms
 don't feel the sense of being in
control
Use synonyms
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 they are being
tell
Wrong verb form
told
show examples
 what to do
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
 feeling of shame and doubt
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
show examples
 to them
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes them feel inferior
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 all other things. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 I'm not disputing the fact that
adult knows
Correct subject-verb agreement
adults know
show examples
 better in deciding the
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 screen
time
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
 should be left alone to be in
control
Use synonyms
 of their
interests
Punctuation problem
interests,
show examples
 I
suggests
Correct subject-verb agreement
suggest
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 should be with their devices to exhaust whatever
time
Use synonyms
 they choose to spend on their screen.

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task response
Answer both sides more evenly. You gave more space to your own view than to the parents' view.
task response
Make your opinion clear from the start and keep it the same. Your view is not fully clear because some lines support parents and some support children.
task response
Use ideas that directly match the question. The question is about control of screen time, not only about eye problems or freedom.
task response
Explain your examples more clearly. The Nigeria study and the theory example need a short link back to the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your plan easily.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, however, also, as a result, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice. Shorter sentences will make your meaning clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea. In the first body paragraph, the point moves from eye health to fear and then to freedom.
task response
You answered the full essay type: you discussed both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You used examples to support your ideas, which helps the reader.
coherence and cohesion
There is a basic overall flow from one paragraph to the next.
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