IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, our society has become more complicated, and there is a wide variety of issues,
such
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 as
pollution
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, housing prices
or
Correct word choice
and
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 disease. Some
people
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 consider that the government should
put
Verb problem
pay
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 more attention
on
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to
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people
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's health by improving environmental and housing conditions. In my opinion,
this
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 kind of perspective is possible. On the one hand, there are several reasons that focusing on reducing
pollution
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 and solving housing problems may let individuals avoid getting sick.
First,
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in recent years, because of serious air
pollution
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, the possibility of getting breath-related cancers has increased dramatically. If the government allocates some money to improve the air quality,
people
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 can breathe into their lungs without toxic chemicals.
For example
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, after the fire power station was removed in the north of Taiwan, the number of
people
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 who were diagnosed with lung cancer decreased.
Second,
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housing plays a crucial role in recovering
people
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 from disease because
people
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 can have a place to rest and recharge to get rid of the virus.
Therefore
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, I believe that enhancing the environment and figuring out housing challenges can benefit significantly health conditions.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 may refute
this
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 statement, and they consider that medical techniques and the quality of doctors are more effective in improving
people
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's health than solving environmental and dwelling issues.
However
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,
although
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 advanced technology and excellent doctors can make some treatments to let us become healthy easily, it is vital to solve the problem at the root point. Most illnesses are caused by
pollution
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, so we need to make the condition better, assisting
people
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 in preventing disease and illness. In conclusion, the government should put more resources and efforts into reducing environmental
pollution
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 and housing problems since it is the most effective method to make
people
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 healthy.

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task achievement
Your argument is clear, but adding more detailed examples or data could strengthen your points further, especially regarding statistics on pollution and health effects.
coherence and cohesion
Consider enhancing the transitions between ideas to improve flow. For instance, linking the discussion on pollution more directly to its impact on health can make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
You provided a clear stance on the topic and logical reasoning to support your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, using distinct paragraphs for each main point which aids the reader's understanding.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • respiratory diseases
  • heart conditions
  • incidence
  • affordable housing
  • stress
  • infectious diseases
  • preventative measures
  • cost-effective
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • comprehensive approach
  • global warming
  • climate change
  • exacerbated
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